Much planning involved in duplicity,
when absence of feminine is intent –
no amount of research can release
her, buried in a home within a home.
Empty out existing observations,
imposed interpretations – education
only served to dismay us further –
all erasable. Â Forensic investigation
required to grasp the inner workings,
only seasoned visitors have caught
wind of – witnesses (mother/father);
all we children knew was her name;
a moniker that invoked turmoil, yet
she, pregnant with hope, anticipation
would make her presence known –
a grand performance – she did not
belong; we shunned her, doubted
her veracity, convinced her host
was manipulative, depraved – had
no concept of acceptance – chose
separation – s/he pushed me out;
not that I was ever welcomed –
a child of this woman within a man,
whose obsession consumed us,
consumed my innocence, toyed
with my journey to self-discovery,
distorted images of beauty rooted
in the hovering pall of her presence/
absence; tried to escape, seek help,
create a semblance of normalcy, but
am haunted by the woman, whose
destiny, never achieved, now lags
behind me, feeding my frailty; wish
I had found the words, openness,
had dared to know her, to have stood
beside the she Dad was meant to be.
(Image: Â lgbrpcv.org)
