Hiding Shame

When did guilt obviatethe need for sustenance? This deipnophobia paralyzingheartless stares dredge up my truth: insatiable hungerneed to stuff down emotion the certainty that I deservedthe abuse – endless shame My fork traces the outlinesseparates food groups My mind makes mental notesof what I’ll gorge on later. (Deipnophobia is the fear of dining in public. […]

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Indecisive

Decisions weightyI plan but am dividedhalf sailing; half cowering Optimism cheeryexperience berating Nested in traditioncraving alternatives Can I not see that plansare investments,overcome the fearin favour of expansion. (Writing this I am reminded of the saying: “I used to be indecisive; now I’m not so sure.” Image my own.)

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That’s What I Fear

“A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretence and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself.” – Maya Angelo I fear living. No, that’s not it. I love living… …but I fear engagement… …drowning in engagement Except, I love engagement… […]

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Turning Point

Played host to insecurity – catered to bullying undermined by warped agendas, butchered by provincial minds – Retreated, convalesced, sanitized lost vitality, believed in phantoms haunted by compulsions deflected attempted rescues ignored counsel to let go. Shell-shocked aftermaths incoherent self-judgment inescapable. Where do I go from here? Ignore criticism disarm cruelty sanctify privacy detach, discern […]

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Return to Center

Centred, I project merit directed by routines grief securely stored Anxiety, not so compartmentalized reveals that I am outsider, pliable, pursues a validating response. Perfectionism despises vulnerability balance embraces contradictions complexity overwhelms – I breath. (Image from personal collection.)

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A Sister’s Twists

She prepared me for the worst omission of positives purposeful – Saving me from disappointment her justification for inflicted wounds – Years, I’ve railed against her abuse pointless since she’s long been a ghost.

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The Pawn

Of course she is away caught in the schism of her parents’ divorce played like a pawn She is emotionally numb incapable of articulating wants and desires – broken though no one notices. (Poem originally appeared on Twitter.  Visit me @Vjknutson.  Image from personal collection.)

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Nothing To Fear Here

Fragmented as this soul may be fear not this disarray – I flow with a rhythm – emphatic beats tuned to love’s call. (Image from personal collection)

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Separated Self

Reach for her across the abyss of indifference – would hold her dear comfort her sorrows – empty promises, I now understand have abandoned her countless times in the name of obligation, this child that is me.  

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Sleeping Alone

Sleeping alone with so much intrusion – child born of good intentions awash in a trail of barricades I cope, cook up breezes, strike wet ground – stuff myself to satiate the onslaught, ground rapidly shifting – Earth Mother exerting presence – too stubborn, I turn away, look for God but my cup keeps moving […]

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