People ask: “How can you be so sick; you’re a strong person?” Or I am too positive of a person – how is it possible?
What if it is because of these very things that life has chosen me for a master class – a spiritual quest – not for the weak of heart? What if it’s because I’m a good student?
(Image and art mine)
Do you think they are conspiring? Or just pondering the strangeness of humans?
I would befriend hesitation,
take her shopping with me,
invest the time,
but impulse
is my constant companion.
Hesitation,
born of shared trauma,
labours over pain-filled decisions
My need is palpable,
throbbing,
must suffocate it,
weighted beneath
layers of numbing fabric
Afraid to show myself,
afraid that she will find me,
block any progress,
or worse
make my pay for these layers
of stolen moments…
encounter crazy reflected in her eyes
(Poem first appeared here June 2016. This version has been edited. Image my own)
A friend from my poetry circle honoured me with a birdhouse painted with Ukrainian colours. John has since passed away, and this summer we were finally able to give the birdhouse a home in our garden.
Happy to say, John, that the chickadees have settled in and I am joyfully reminded of you everyday.
This life a road –
the way prepared
signs to guide me,
and still, I get lost.
Construction, distraction,
disobedience – throw me off –
tendency to choose tougher routes,
broken down and been sidelined
And yet, the road still beckons,
invites progression, thrills.
A rolling stone gathers no moss,
my father liked to say, and so…
I push ahead, keep motoring,
trust the obstacles – more lessons –
will polish off the rough patches,
and eventually learn to shine.
(Written during my bedbound years with ME/CFS)
May is Myalgic Encephalomyelitis awareness month. Also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, this disease is characterized by exhaustion after exertion. The exertion can be physical -taking a shower; emotional – worrying or obsessing; or mental- filling out forms.
The best source of information about ME/cfs, as we call it, is the Bateman Horne Center. They offer resources for patients, caregivers, and the medical field.
Unfortunately, not much has changed since my diagnosis in 2014. Medical professionals continue, for the most part, to know little about this disease. It’s frustrating from the part of a sufferer, and discourages me from seeking help.
I’m sure I’m not alone.
Sorry –
so much inadequacy
bundled into one word
as if five letters
can convey
depths of regret,
shock, dismay
seems I am the spark
to your lighter fluid –
unintentional, I swear
still reeling
from the aftermath
of the explosion
attempting to
deconstruct the
formula –
precautionary
I am sorry –
that you are enraged,
that you are so obviously disappointed
that you are consumed with resentment –
except, it is sadness, not regret that I feel.
I cannot own this,
was always honest,
forthright,
did not feed your expectations
Besides,
learned long ago –
we don’t have the power
to make anyone
feel anything
least of all,
sorry.
So I’m not sorry,
but maybe
if you could just tell me,
give me an inkling
of what you might need
I can help us out of this hole.
(Image my own)
One Woman's Quest 