This life a road –
the way prepared
signs to guide me,
and still, I get lost.
Construction, distraction,
disobedience – throw me off –
tendency to choose tougher routes,
broken down and been sidelined
And yet, the road still beckons,
invites progression, thrills.
A rolling stone gathers no moss,
my father liked to say, and so…
I push ahead, keep motoring,
trust the obstacles – more lessons –
will polish off the rough patches,
and eventually learn to shine.
(Written during my bedbound years with ME/CFS)
May is Myalgic Encephalomyelitis awareness month. Also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, this disease is characterized by exhaustion after exertion. The exertion can be physical -taking a shower; emotional – worrying or obsessing; or mental- filling out forms.
The best source of information about ME/cfs, as we call it, is the Bateman Horne Center. They offer resources for patients, caregivers, and the medical field.
Unfortunately, not much has changed since my diagnosis in 2014. Medical professionals continue, for the most part, to know little about this disease. It’s frustrating from the part of a sufferer, and discourages me from seeking help.
I’m sure I’m not alone.
Sorry –
so much inadequacy
bundled into one word
as if five letters
can convey
depths of regret,
shock, dismay
seems I am the spark
to your lighter fluid –
unintentional, I swear
still reeling
from the aftermath
of the explosion
attempting to
deconstruct the
formula –
precautionary
I am sorry –
that you are enraged,
that you are so obviously disappointed
that you are consumed with resentment –
except, it is sadness, not regret that I feel.
I cannot own this,
was always honest,
forthright,
did not feed your expectations
Besides,
learned long ago –
we don’t have the power
to make anyone
feel anything
least of all,
sorry.
So I’m not sorry,
but maybe
if you could just tell me,
give me an inkling
of what you might need
I can help us out of this hole.
(Image my own)
What’s more exciting than a ring full of peanuts and a cast of blue jays?
Photography mine
We purchase boards
imagine roots –
dream bigger
ignore the dawning
The higher the fence,
we tell ourselves,
the better the privacy.
Work hard, earn big.
And the longing grows
it’s the heart that seeks roots
hungers for connection
love like sunshine
Would knock down walls
throw open the doors
bask in the expansiveness
of kindred moments shared.
(Image mine)
I dream that I am teaching again, and having assigned the class independent work, I am spending time connecting with each student to see if they are grasping the material. It’s my favourite part of teaching, and I wake up wondering if I’ll ever have that feeling again. So rewarding.
It is bittersweet, growing old. Many of life’s goals have been achieved, and yet, the desire for more still exists. At least, it does for me. I’m just not sure what to do about it.
Really wasn’t your fault
this fury that overcame –
Words evoked onslaught,
a raging river of pain.
Didn’t mean to push you,
miscalculated my aim,
swimming in swamp waters
not a recommended game.
You floundered, gurgled,
cursed me by name –
our love story, now viral
brought an alligator fame.
(Image my own. Tale is totally fictional, I promise.)
One Woman's Quest 