We purchase boards
imagine roots –
dream bigger
ignore the dawning
The higher the fence,
we tell ourselves,
the better the privacy.
Work hard, earn big.
And the longing grows
it’s the heart that seeks roots
hungers for connection
love like sunshine
Would knock down walls
throw open the doors
bask in the expansiveness
of kindred moments shared.
(Image mine)
The times I waited –
restless and raging
deliberately put on hold
dismissed, degraded, ignored.
Why did I put up with that?
Was I so afraid I’d lose it all?
So uncertain about a future?
How the children came to me
need in their eyes, little arms
begging to be embraced,
and I too blinded to reach out
fixated on the anger, powerless,
immersed myself in distractions
could not respond to their pleading
while my own inner child was doing the same
How I’d let other people’s agendas
override mine – their need to be rescued
or fixed, or to ride on my successes –
boundaries never a strong suit
my own desires so far buried
as to be practically nonexistent
How I’d avoid confrontation
never the top dog – hiding
rather than facing the bullies
in my sight – my loyalty,
my friendship a given
seldom valued by even me
How I took on the discards of others
let men dictate my life –
sorting through their carelessness
like spoon feeding adolescents
Perpetually in mother mode.
I am standing on a threshold
no doubt others will not like
Where I matter now
and love takes precedence
and my inner child shines,
and my priorities are front facing
and loyalty an earned gift
Where men are called to account
and women upheld and valued.
I am proud of who I am,
forgive all the ways I’ve put me down
and chose to radiate Â
Love guiding this new light.
(Self portrait by me )
Love’s waters rise
defy the impossibility
of our sedentary walls
tides and emotions
like sculptors
reshaping the contours
of opposition, softening
the places where hearts meet.
(Image my own)
We are not islands
isolated
insulated
to be ignored
We are hearts engaged
in a relational dance:
intertwining stories
weaving new tales
Yearning for love’s reciprocity
Delighting in wonder of discovery
Slugging through painful demise
Striving to be better
We build walls
construct towers
follow paths leading nowhere –
the pitfalls of our quest
Artificial barriers
lofty ideals
dead ends…
and still we push on
Dreaming of hands that hold
and gentle waters
soothing and war
passionate kisses
Love’s rewards
We exist
not for accumulation
but for the gifts that arise
when open hearts dance.
(Image my own)
Yearning, so unrestrained
passion’s flame willfully
failing accountability
 Urgency is infectious
vulnerability feeds the sickness
co-dependence overstays
Naïvité on repeat –
mother complex burns
obsessive obligations
Abandonment inevitable
wounds stagnating
threaded histories unravelling
Grief, oppression –
How does one breathe?
Sorrowful, unbalanced
Unmodulated caring
charred tendencies
destined to scorch anew.
(Image mine)
Slammed by expectations
silenced by your rage
the hero in me exhausted
I can’t make it right, my love
when communication is forbidden
and the voices in your head
hold us both hostage
I’m clinging to memories
resolved to leave here
integrity intact
identity intact
The mayhem in your words
has cut the ties –
I know where I stand
mental health at stake
I’m setting my intention
walking away –
will find my own footing
and hope you don’t forget
That love always holds answers
and despite my somber exterior
the back door to my heart
is always open
(Art my own)
These hovering lows
how does one escape the pull?
Defensiveness a useless tool
I cannot read intentions
I self-animate
a contrived endeavour
Shine reduced
I am humbled
off colour
Grief, on repeat
I want to disappear
like Peter Pan
childlike, armed
with illustrious fantasies
Could this be metamorphosis –
A paralytic calm
a spell-binding ponder
cracking righteousness
till clarity fades the gray
Oh, how I pray it is
the light of love
chiseling a new path
(Inked sketch my own)
Fragmented
as this soul may be
fear not this disarray –
I flow with a rhythm –
emphatic beats tuned
to love’s call.
(Art mine)
That day we strolled riverside
Wild poppies in full bloom
guiding us
The reassurance you needed
stuck on my tongue –
age and language separating us
We walked in silence –
a regret I carry
Now the poppies remind me
that you were less than naive
that life had wounded you
and that what I had to offer
was so much more than
a voiceless presence
But I was afraid too
And I let you go
My heart bleeds
the colour of poppies
My breath catching
every time I remember
That day
when the river guided us
and the poppies bloomed
and I failed to listen.
(Dedicated to my dear Alina, who had to be brave at a vulnerable time, and whom I miss dearly. Image my own.)
One Woman's Quest 