“I am sending you a red box,”
the voice says in my dream
(a dream within a dream, really).
“Will you be there to receive it?”
An image of a lipstick-red, life-sized,
shiny red box dances in my head.
“I will!” I say, wondering who would
send me such an extravagant gift.
“Will you be coming, too?”
I add quickly, remembering manners.
I am asleep, if you recall, have no idea
who I am speaking to: a poor connection.
“Do you know who I am?” asks caller.
“Yes, of course!” I respond, not actually
knowing at all, trying to be polite.
“Looking forward to it.” Am I?
“You don’t sound surprised.”
“Surprised and delighted!” I assure,
falsely – in this semi-consciousness,
sensibility has not yet set in.
Only when I disconnect, do I panic.
Some distant memory surfaces,
a vague recollection of indiscretion –
have I invited danger into my house?
Now, I am awake – faculties firing,
heart still beating, curious/ alert.
What could this mean, this
dream within a dream?
Look to where my mind went –
larger than life expectations,
when no such detail was revealed –
was the panic just as unwarranted?
Am I subconsciously mocking:
commenting on the instability
of thought processes, in this
altered state of health?
I ponder meaning, wonder at
the significance of red boxes,
when my husband delivers –
a small, red patterned box.
“I won this for you,” he says.
Three beaded necklaces inside.
I thank him, dismissively, rapt
in my mystery, inattentive –
I’m sending you a red box;
was the message, will you be
present to receive it? – Oh God!
The pieces fall in place.
Presence alone heals
weakening connections,
honest communication,
with expectations aside.
Distraction, fear, anxiety
are the undermining factors
that rape relationships
turn us from the actual gift.
I am awake, but dreaming
suspended between fantasies
of promising futures, and insults
from the past – selfish indulgence.
Marriage is the red box,
in its ever altered form –
offering endless gifts if
only we’d receive it.
One Woman's Quest 