That’s What I Fear

“A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretence and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself.”
– Maya Angelo

I fear living.

No, that’s not it.

I love living…
…but I fear engagement…
…drowning in engagement

Except, I love engagement…
… but only when I dip my toe in the waters
and feel the thrill…
and can still maintain control.

I fear losing control. I fear no longer being able to call the shots, life demanding more of me than I’m willing (or able) to give.

I’m willing to give…
… to a certain point…
…can no longer afford to be sapped dry, wrung out
and discarded… so much hurt
so much betrayal…
such lack of appreciation

I have given.
I have loved and sacrificed and cherished and
given…
…up…
…self

It’s self I’m afraid of losing
and why not?
I am only just able to touch her

She and I, still hesitant
building a certainty
a mutual admiration
respect…

And should I be called upon
to give…too much…well…

I could lose her again.

This is what I fear.

(Two separate blog posts hit me this week. The first offering the Angelo quotation (sorry, I can’t remember the blog’s name) and the second from my friend Dr Andrea Dinardo, who offers the question: What’s Under the Fear? Dr D offers a five step process for self-discovery. This is my response. Image my own. The poem also fits with my weekly challenge theme: except)

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VJ

Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

47 thoughts on “That’s What I Fear”

  2. Reblogged this on I Write Her and commented:
    This piece struck a chord deep within me. VJ articulated thoughts I’ve had in a way which brought back so much of that felt I’ve felt about living while living and while trying just to survive. Kudos for speaking your truth and ours, VJ.

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  3. Lovely reading this piece on self discovery! Am waiting to read about the next step – the realization that knowing and accepting self and learning a few new ways and ideas are the key to moving beyond fear.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The push and pull of losing ourselves in regards to the demands of life. The way the poem looks on the page seems to engage the readers in the same almost unsureness of the narrator. Excellent throughout. I have the same fear. Maybe everyone does at times. Very relatable.

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  7. This poem… I relate to it so very much, and also create around such themes at times. I am so very happy to find your blog (via your comment on Benjamin’s)… lovely work!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. That image is so amazing, when I think on it and reread your words plotting the journey to self. The duality of life we experience, the imprint of fear painted with many colours , always there in the background. is so well done. My impression. Maybe it’s too deep. 🙂

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  13. Excellent quote to introduce this poem. I can understand this fear of loss of self. But now as I am older I do not have that fear. I will have myself , and be with her, to the grave whenever that may be! Thank you for provoking me to think about this and find my response. with certainty.

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