Exhaustion
weighty, erosive,
plaguing, torturing, releasing
memories, grief, pain, forgiveness
inspiring, renewing, catapulting
joyful, wondrous
energy
(Image mine)
Category: mental-health
Alice Knows
Betrayal hugs with enthusiasm
public displays of warmth
so charming
Betrayal clutches vials
and pockets the laundry money
and gives a cheeky wink
Betrayal taps the shoulder
and ducks before the reveal
grins like the Cheshire cat
Plays me like a top
spinning, spinning,
and toppling hard
till I’m bent over
head between my legs
glancing backward
Sure that I just saw
the white rabbit,
out of breath
Each word a pill
making me bigger
or smaller
Then off with my head
Betrayal has made me a pawn
till it tires of me and moves on….
(Image my own.)
Scold
Skyward I cast
this melancholy,
hook a cloud
and drift…
A dalliance
with the sun –
his irrepressible
optimism scolds
I let go the tether
retreat to sombre soil
re-commit to
gloom’s scold
(Image my own. Scold first appeared on Twitter)
Paralysis
Paralysis desecrates floorboards
leaves me suspended…
the skeletons of lost dreams
sprawled out beneath me…
disordered
I am powerless
against the nightly haunts:
a dispirited youth
a righteous mother,
that lonesome child…
Judgment has a long shadow
and slits for eyes…
I don blinders –
tunnelled between
guilt and loathing
This onslaught,
this psychic terrorism
mocks my immobility
forces me to mine
forgotten pith
Survival, instinctual,
steels against the assault
raises prayer
as antidote
An armless attempt
to assert will over fear –
hoping strength restores
vulnerability’s war cry.
(Image mine)
Tugging
Is it selfish
this chosen solitude?
How I treasure silence,
stillness baiting my muse
And is it my calm
that attracts chaos?
The sorrow of others
landing on my doorstep
What if I rejected pleas,
locked out the troubles?
How long can I sustain
peace until need answers?
(Tuesdays, I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson. Image my own)
Sullen
Sinister motivations
thoughts cascade
emotional waterfall
Hope plants herself
on the banks of this torrent
like succulents, sturdy
I will ground myself
on solid shore – revive
this water-downed spirit
(Tuesdays, I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson. Image my own)
Spinning
Circling,
dancing,
caught between
idealism of expectation
and harshness of reality –
one has lofty goals,
the other invites limitation
I’ve excuses aplenty –
none that assuage ambition
Incomplete work dangles
from spider web threads
waiting for rescue
Talking to myself
unavailing – best
step out of this dichotomy
stop the whirling
(Sketch my own)
Let It Go
It’s not intentional
this accumulation
amounting to clutter
It”s inevitable, given
the emphasis on chasing
material happiness
Its impotency is ironic
all superfluous now
that health teeters
Weighs heavily
on my mental state
craving simplicity
The sentiment
we treasure beats
in heart’s memory
Objects age,
lose relevance
generationally
I let go of fear,
the guilt, find
blessed relief
New space inspires
openness, excitement
ensues – freedom.
(Image my own)
Origin
Anxiety burns
an acidic devouring
confidence impaled –
mind wanders to childhood dreams
uncovers fear’s origin.
(Tuesdays, I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson. I came across this tanka written in May/21 that seemed to match with the image I recently posted on my other blog. I decided to pair them here.)
Some Days
Why am I courting judgment
like an old friend,
popping in unexpectedly?
She overlooks my needs,
barges in reeking
of stale perfume, and
energy-sucking shoulds
I crave the subtle tones of compassion –
quiet whispers over tea –
a gentle pat, words of encouragement
But, truth be told,
I squirm at even this –
hate vulnerability,
hate this weakness on display,
this chronic, fucking disability
Seems I have dressed myself
in judgment’s cloaks,
walk in the pinched shoes
of expectations too tight
No wonder I’m exhausted,
am dying…numbed
to my own drama.
(Image my own)
One Woman's Quest 