We are definitely in the throes of transition – the house is for sale, we can’t commit to a rental unit until we have a closing date, and so, everything is uncertainty at the moment.
We clutch at hopeful signs only to be disappointed. The couple who spent over an hour during the Open House have now decided to wait a year before moving. The man who showed so much interest was met with resistance from his wife.
Ups and downs.
I try to remember to breathe and be open to the process.
There is peace to be had, but only if I make room for it.
The ‘for sale’ sign went up on the house Thursday. The ad online activated Friday afternoon. We’d already had a viewing scheduled before the listing went live.
In the meantime, we’ve been scrambling to pack up the excess and make this house presentable. It’s more work than remembered and we are both exhausted.
Another showing tomorrow, video-taping on Thursday, and an Open House on Saturday, and I’m afraid to admit that I feel a cold hovering.
So, yes, I’m feeling cautiously optimistic, and aware of the precariousness of my physical health.
The decision has been made – it is time for us to move on to the next stage of life.
The house will be sold and we shall look for a smaller, rental apartment. It hasn’t been easy coming to this conclusion, and it won’t be easy making the transition, but excitement is part of the equation.
We will be moving back to the city, closer to family, and doctors, and all conveniences.
Now the purge and pack begins.
Acceptance, wisdom, and openness are at my side: three gifts to guide me.
I dream that I am teaching again, and having assigned the class independent work, I am spending time connecting with each student to see if they are grasping the material. It’s my favourite part of teaching, and I wake up wondering if I’ll ever have that feeling again. So rewarding.
It is bittersweet, growing old. Many of life’s goals have been achieved, and yet, the desire for more still exists. At least, it does for me. I’m just not sure what to do about it.
The times I waited – restless and raging deliberately put on hold dismissed, degraded, ignored.
Why did I put up with that? Was I so afraid I’d lose it all? So uncertain about a future?
How the children came to me need in their eyes, little arms begging to be embraced, and I too blinded to reach out fixated on the anger, powerless, immersed myself in distractions could not respond to their pleading while my own inner child was doing the same
How I’d let other people’s agendas override mine – their need to be rescued or fixed, or to ride on my successes – boundaries never a strong suit my own desires so far buried as to be practically nonexistent
How I’d avoid confrontation never the top dog – hiding rather than facing the bullies in my sight – my loyalty, my friendship a given seldom valued by even me
How I took on the discards of others let men dictate my life – sorting through their carelessness like spoon feeding adolescents Perpetually in mother mode.
I am standing on a threshold no doubt others will not like Where I matter now and love takes precedence and my inner child shines, and my priorities are front facing and loyalty an earned gift Where men are called to account and women upheld and valued.
I am proud of who I am, forgive all the ways I’ve put me down and chose to radiate  Love guiding this new light.
One day it’s so mild that I don’t bother with a coat, the next we wake up to snow on the ground. The plants pushing up through the soil seem a little more patient than me – as if they are humouring nature’s fickleness.
I’m ready for clear change.
A pair of finches just flew by, one chasing the other. Another sign of spring. Maybe I just need to follow their lead and ignore the blasted white stuff.
One Woman's Quest 