Cracking the Code

Adept at uprooting, conditioned to follow chaos – know my place there. Kindness unsettles – each ray piercing cracking the crust unleashing a prism both painful and joyous – legacy of dysfunction. (Poem from Twitter @Vjknutson.  Image from personal collection.)    

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Numb

Pain no longer a threat having found numbness – semi-permanent vacation from insistence of chronic battles, this unchosen life. (Image from personal collection)

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Prey

Brought you my pain – swaddled like a baby, a tiny fledgling not yet ready to fly – craved nurturing – missed the hawkish glint, the vicious drool – all remnants of sanity now shredded.

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Chronic Companion

She sits with me at breakfast, follows me to the park, hovers on the drive home, celebrates when I lie down, snuggles in with warming pad, and moans… Not a companion I would have chosen, preferred the active, athletic life, and yet She complains with me in the afternoon, invites excuses during dinner, grounds me […]

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Grey

Lured by azure waters, the promise of carefree days, I cruise ocean’s waters, dream myself exotic. Grey clouds loom, mock this pretence – waves swell crash, blacken horizon – delusion loosing ground. What force is this, drags me into aphotic depths, insists I swim in darkness? Have I not proven tenacity, claimed a place amongst […]

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The Toll

Am not the woman my children once called Mother – can see the disappointment in their anger-blotched expressions, feel the constraint in their voices – distance between us tugs on my heart, plays with my conscience, as if illness is choice – a contrived plot to rob them of their expectations – hope they can […]

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Gains and Losses

The mistress, meticulously groomed glows a sun-kissed bronze shimmery invitation, promising seductive sensations of pleasure and release. The husband, tense, overworked, emotionally overwrought heeds the call like a sailor following the lure of sirens. The flirtation begins in innocence, he sips from her splendour at a party, tastes her bittersweetness and feels himself losing all […]

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Genetics

I search for father in this pain, recall limbs wrapped, liniment-lathered, how he cried out relief beyond reach judged his suffering as emotional – a karmic penalty for a life of tyranny – compassion lapsed. Now, I fight with legs that will not settle, arms that ache to bone, moments inconsolable spiralling into moodiness seems […]

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Regrets

When love, open-eyed and uplifting appeared she shuddered, withdrew, Shame’s shadow casting putrid projections fear and uncertainty cloaked her, masked desire as repulsion – wore her tragedy as identity – could not make the leap – would choose, instead, a legacy of abuse – reaffirming the guilt and self-loathing Never could forget the time that […]

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Unwanted Visit

The years have done their damage, resentments, like border guards, line up between us… and then you just show up, as if somehow that makes you the better person, as if your presence will make me forget, forgive and I fumble for the right words, attempt graciousness, even as I’m struggling to feed the hurt, […]

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