I feel like an underdeveloped, socially awkward adolescent, delegated to the sidelines, measuring esteem against athleticism of those who made the grade – a failure.
There is safety in apart-ment living; would corral the little ones, declare responsibility, obligations as a mask for this self-banishing compulsion. Except that I am
Reminds me of home – Dad’s drinking, dressing up, keeping up appearances; a woman without a voice, public persona all important: must disguise private hell.
In anticipation of guests, the hostess – always bent on pleasing – carefully selects the script, ascribes roles, envisions an afternoon of light repartee, peppered
Been taking inventory, gathering essentials, craving nourishment, coming up lacking – cartoon version of a former self. Spirituality, once fiery now looms over me, a
Cruising fills my fantasies – reveling in life, loved ones in tow, prideful, excited – sailing past Mecca, places of service, relinquishing embellishments, fully alive!