Inessential am I
ghost of a woman
burden avoidance
Imperfect am I
each flaw a step
towards deepening blue
And yet, I exist
purpose unknown
shadow dancing.
(Image: Self-portrait)
Category: ME/ CFS
Mighty
In isolation, I am rock
solid, fearless, present
Memories moon-bows
miracle of love, whispers
of what might have been
Will not let current fear
shape me; I am tethered
to faith, gently gliding
(Submitted for Eugi’s Causerie Weekly prompt: mighty. Image my own.)
Urgency
I weave words
with alacrity –
on a mission
Foreign forces
infiltrate brain
cells scrambling
Must write
till ability wanes
thoughts hang
Disconnected
brushed away
like cobwebs
(Tuesdays I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson. Image my own.)
Survivor Instinct
Buried alive
by illness’ onset
only hope for escape
tunnel whose guilt-lined
walls oozed mucous
of neglect, sorrow
so raw, shredded
faith – no light
just a dull
pulse
screaming –
I am alive.
(Chronic illness is a game changer. No amount of ambition can turn the tide. One is left to face the onslaught of that which has been oppressed or skipped over. I wrote this poem early in my journey with ME. Amazingly, no matter what, spirit still clings to life. Image from personal collection.)
Morning Fog
Predawn
Poseidon rises
unfurls a blanket
fog, burying shore and sky
I awaken in a cloud,
set adrift
before feet
touch floor –
dream
within
a dream.
(Tuesdays I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson. Image my own.)
Rapture
Odd, this gift of solitude. Perched canal side, I affirm my connection to the earth, and offer thanks. Late afternoon sun casts a glow on the foliage across the way, lighting up the mirror-still water. Vibrant reflections.
Two winters ago, I fought to breathe as temperatures fell below zero. Impassible walkways trapped me indoors. Depression fought for possession. Hope struggles in imposed isolation.
“There are no absolutes in life,” a professor once told me, and I think of that now –
how just when it feels as if one sentence has been handed down, sealed, an opening appears. I am fortunate, savour the moment.
Heron’s watchful stride
invites reflection, respect –
Winter’s solitude.
(Rapture first appeared here February 2019. I offer an edited version here.
Isolation’s Hold
Disability covets isolation –
this stripped-back, box-like state.
Rustic serenity, with room
to breathe would be preferable
but old memories creep in, and
lack of self-worth leaves the door open
phantoms of former torments
unwanted visitors, shadowy
invaders target loneliness,
misconstrue lack of health
for neediness, prey on weak –
hearted, presume incapability.
I am unwell, not unwanted, effort
to protest ignored, I grow wary of
fellow travellers, am vandalized by
nightly attacks, attempt to reach out
aim for strength, logic, clarity,
dial-up past abuse instead, cannot
fathom the purpose of unsolicited
persecution, grasping at isolation.
(Isolation’s Hold was first written in June of 2017. I am resubmitting it here for Reena’s Exploration challenge: isolation. Seems to me is also reflective of the times. Image from personal collection.)
ME/CFS
These words illusion
portray vibrancy of life
belie the mundane
wicked exhaustion my truth
drudgery daily routine.
(For Ronovan Writes Weekly Haiku Challenge: wicked/ mundane; and BrewNSpew’s prompt: illusion. Forgive me for indulging in a moment of self-pity. Post celebration crash normal. Image from personal collection.)
Insecurity Resolved
Unnerved by invitations –
isolation equates with security –
fear the onslaught of questions,
the unleashing of a torrent –
emotions flooding, crashing
through this gated illusion –
best to withdraw.
Withdraw my best
when gated by illusion
crashing, emotions flood –
need to tame this torrent
question the onslaught, brave
insecurity, negate isolation
embrace the invitations.
(Tuesdays, I borrow from my Twitter poems. Follow me @Vjknutson. The first stanza is the original poem. I left it here, then unsatisfied, decided to turn it upside down and create a new outcome. . Image from personal collection.)
Travelling Solo
Chill and fog
cloud my senses –
effective distraction
loneliness holds no sway.
Others speed past,
while I advance,
slow, steady –
drawn by an unknown
Presence, who may
or may not receive me well
at this road’s end
I cannot tell.
Pray indifference
does not await me –
have suffered enough
no stomach for more.
Must stop a moment
and rest…darkness
brings its own brand
of cold… I am weary.
Tomorrow,
I’ll begin anew,
perhaps not so alone,
But loved ones
are preoccupied
others long gone
So the task remains
mine singularly
to further this journey
With faith to carry me
and a prayer for clear
passage to see me through.
(Image from personal collection.)
