Disregard the obvious –
I know how time has marred me
Disregard the glare –
eyes clouded with cynicism
A fledgling heart beats
within this disheveled nest
Come closer and behold
a childlike yearning for love.
(Come Closer first appeared September, 2022. Image my own)
Thank you so much to Navigating the Change for offering the opportunity. Warning, this article deals with end of life, medical assistance in dying (MAID)
Commit doubting
Unaware of agendas,
inferiority driven
tainted by dependency
Seeking familiarity –
anxiety in togetherness –
a stranger to pridefulness
Shouldn’t love be comfortable
at least, at the outset?
I am spontaneous,
I tell myself,
rely on Fate’s presence
no need to discern
Might as well send out an invite:
This heart is unlocked;
abuse welcome here!
(Image my creation)
This malaise
this undeniable melancholy
product of isolation…
of an unreliable mind
What shadows awaken me?
a flash of car beams
or something more sinister?
Illness heightens sensitivity
I am set on ‘wired’ –
Internally running,
externally frozen
Sleep will not return
I don bravado
call out the ghosts
“Show yourself!”
Nothing.
Now I am raging –
“Who dares to disrupt slumber
then cowers in corners?”
Shadows grow eyes
and the walls undulate
a figure emerges
self in negative
I cower
pray I am delusional
mirrored self points downward
where floorboards recede
Skeletal remains
fill the earthen pit
nonsensical bones
of immortal pasts
Danger lurking
and I am not immune
the time has come
to submit…
(Image my own)
Was it neglect
that rendered us
so useless?
joints collapsing,
minds scattering
movement minimal…
That which we no longer tend to
loses lustre – less profit to reap
When we store our dreams in corners –
time usurping promises,
visions asleep –
the fallout is too steep
Cherishment is what is needed
for self, for hopes, for all life.
(Image my own)
I miss your wisdom;
could use some about now,
confidence lacking
Life’s what you make of it,
you’d say, and
You’re doing a good job…
Truth is, I’ve made a lot of mistakes –
call it stubbornness or stupidity-
but I failed to plan, Dad
Not bemoaning life
It’s been really good
and I know you did the same
I’m just tired of doubting my self
Watching the rest of the world
reach their goals and then retire
While I can never tell –
am I doing a good job
am I even appreciated?
Remember the day my marriage died
and I came to you, crumpled
spewing anger, defeated…
And you cried with me
raging on my behalf, said:
Goddamn it, you deserve better than this!
Funny that through all the pain
your walls, my walls
you, alone could see me
Tragic how I only understand that now
death and years separating us –
my need for you still raw.
(Image my own – cut and paste with AI)
Extract the miracle
from the celebrated
Each story is lifeless
until told – its patterns
Stubborn, are innate –
We all crave renewal
I crave renewal
arms extended
fists unfolded
Believe in will –
the power to breathe life
into inert corners
Does not life support us?
Is not consciousness infinite?
and the divine patient?
Yesterday, I gave up
resigned myself to failure
(It’s a joke I play on myself)
This soul labours to find meaning
and I will breathe life into form
until quitting time finds me cleansed.
(Art my own)
At every turn
a challenge – prefer scenic
forays, encounter
rocky climes – ironic twists,
stretching this reluctant soul
(Image my own)
Wrapped in reptilian attire, change
climbs aboard my well-intentioned scheme
like a boa constrictor – disarming me
I am more inconvenienced than repulsed –
after all, snake is my power animal,
Or so the seer said…many years ago
Days when I would wear the scaly
comportment of power – invite
transformation- my essence a seeker
But I am trying to settle here –
embrace age and its complications
and yet the serpent persists
Sibilance insisting on co-navigation-
and what will be the outcome, I wonder
if I were to surrender to such a calling?
Change does not heed our fears,
our ego-driven agendas…
It bears its fangs and taunts
I exaggerate the threat, of course-
imagine being consumed or suffocated –
disregard the potential for healing
Have no time for reflection or pause –
the course is already set –
I hold on and feign control
(Art my own)
One Woman's Quest 