grief – One Woman's Quest

The Pact

“What happens after death?”
she asked one Sunday,
her long, thin body stretched
weakly across the settee,
her cousin balancing
his dinner plate at her feet.

Sundays they came together,
all the family, for Grandmother’s
dinners; the warm waft of fresh-
baked pies, the clank of dishes,
voices raised over old farm table.

He shrugged; it was always a concern –
she’d been frail from birth, this girl
he loved, two years younger, but
in every way his peer – said nothing.

“Let’s make a pact!” she blurted
“The first to die will leave a sign.”
“Grandpa’s bells!” They shook on it
and then, with a satisfied grin
she succumbed to sleep.

A more sombre clan gathered mid-week
eyes red and faces pale with the shock of loss –
no smells of warmth to greet them,
just cold platters prepared by church ladies

Slumped bodies, heads leaning close,
sipped tea on the place where she’d lain
that last gathering – no sound of children’s
laughter, the hole too hard to bear.

And when the sound came: metal
clanging on metal, ringing a joyous
clamour, she was the first to see –
Grandpa’s bells stirring – her sign!

She knew then he’d be waiting,
told me so before that last breath
and as I watched her go, I swear
I could hear the far off ringing of bells.

(The Pact was originally published September, 2018. Edited here. Image my own)

Undefendable

Every child bears the spark
of eternity’s promise…
Where’s the threat in that?

What mechanism of hate
equates slaughter
of innocents with justice?

This is society’s bane –
the unconscionable policies
of greed lacking accountability

(Tuesdays I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson. Image my own)

Children Lost

We knew the children were lost
so why wait for the tsunami
before beginning reparation?

And are irenic efforts with the realm
of probability now that the layers
of denial have been swept away?

(Tuesdays I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson. This one for the victims of Residential Schools. Image my own.)

Inadequate

Decades pass in a day
as stories unfold –
I cannot look away

War alters the landscape
renders time irrelevant
dreams ash amongst rubble

I have but an ear to listen
hand extended, heart open

Such merger recompense
for pain eternally imposed.

(Image mine)

Human Toll

Talks stalled
escapees struggle
lives minimized
burdens heavy
despair palpable

Can they sense
the global hug,
compassion circling?

Do prayers have substance,
or have the displaced
never felt so alone?

(Image mine)

Tainted Memories

Weekends at cottage
we’d linger over coffee,
dew sparkling on primroses

How we’d race to the lake
laughter emerging
from cool depth

Flowers scowl now
Lake’s chill hardened

Do you wait for me
in the eternal darkness?

(Tuesdays, I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson. Image my own)

Aching

In increments
we measure the rain
as if centimetres
can quantify sorrow

A falcon has chased
the birds away,
naked, a tear-stained
tree stands alone

Our hearts resonate –
arms, like branches, aching.

(Image my own)

Next Door

Next door cultivates perfection –
gardens pert with flowery blooms
like vibrant little soldiers heeding
the command of love’s labour,
shimmering with prideful confidence

My garden is overgrown vines,
chaos’ shameful exhibition,
bemoans the futility of planting,
knows there will be no follow through,
betrays the absence of love’s toil.

Life has schooled detachment
lessons in loss counsel defensiveness –
better to guard hope than plant it…

How can next door be so reckless;
do they not know this all for naught?

(This a rewrite of former poem also titled Next Door. Image my own.)

Breakup Blues

In your absence
I paint the ceiling
midnight blue,
await the return
of stars, ride out
the gut wrench
of abandonment

I know your motive
is happiness, and
that I shall emerge
all the wiser,
but for now
I don the spatter
of indigo grief.

(Tuesdays, I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson. Image my own)

Family Portrait

Did you know that life would come to this?
Flattened memories pressed between wax
the essence of our efforts forgotten,
the dreams, so carefully construed, lost.

You leaned toward the conventional,
and I was ever the sentimentalist,
and yet we ended up in the same place –
shadow selves standing at the banks
of our dishevelled lives…

Survivors, nonetheless, tokens
of a a past riddled with so many lies,
so much heartbreak…

We are ghost sisters
haunted, hunting,
unable to step away –

Drawn in,
pulling apart –
all that remains.

(Family Portrait first appeared here February, 2019. Edited here. Image my own)