There is light in unknowns – at least I project it there – caught between the current ashen landscape and the achings of a solitary childhood…
I like to think faith guides me but she is muted like the gardens of my dreams, more ethereal than palpable and I need concrete have waited too long for that train
of certainty to carry me away… course it never comes, there is no easy just a slow, steady plodding: a pace that age has settled on; so I turn to inner landscapes, imagination remembering colour…and yes, light.
Autonomy: to feel that her decisions/wants/needs are not overshadowed by the dictates of another, or by a past that is forever looming.
Empowerment: to know, once and for all, that the victim is laid to rest, so that she can embrace her authentic self.
Inner peace: to live without guilt or the need for permission. To be able to forgive and self and other in order to be free. To trust, innately, her own inner resources, releasing fear’s hold.
Sacredness: to stand firmly upon the Earth, breathe freely, and engage with life. To make a difference.
Celebration: to live with anticipation, surprise, and ultimately joy.
Connection: to recognize in each living moment that none of the above is obtained in a bubble. I quest for true connection. The bravest quest of all.
(Reading through old posts I came across one from November, 2014 which inspired this write. Image my own.)
We’ll venture into the city Pretend our bones are not dust Ignore our fails Hearts soft Love nostalgic Hold hands like lovers Location historic (ours alone) celebrate resilience.
(Today we celebrate our anniversary. Image my own)
No one told me, in my haste to grow up, that adulthood, awash with responsibility, would also be lonely
And, no one told me that the days and nights of sweating over lessons would likely not lead to the life imagined
nor that commitment – the kind portrayed in movies – does not exist – the word itself bearing more substance than the act, fickle as it is
No one told me that motherhood would change my reality permanently, colouring it with unfathomable pain and joy – such juxtaposition
And, no one told me that every battle I ever arm myself for, regardless of its justification, is really a struggle with self – inner demons the most menacing.
I never imagined that age, with seismic force, would alter my perspective so – leave me barren and yet enriched, enthralled with the ordinary and unfazed by the rest
And, in the end, as I watch the vernal rains announce renewal, in the quiet of my solitude, I am amazed and grateful for all that this crazy, driven life has become and that no one ever told me.
(This is an edited version of a poem published in April, 2019. Art my own.)