The decision has been made – it is time for us to move on to the next stage of life.
The house will be sold and we shall look for a smaller, rental apartment. It hasn’t been easy coming to this conclusion, and it won’t be easy making the transition, but excitement is part of the equation.
We will be moving back to the city, closer to family, and doctors, and all conveniences.
Now the purge and pack begins.
Acceptance, wisdom, and openness are at my side: three gifts to guide me.
I dream that I am teaching again, and having assigned the class independent work, I am spending time connecting with each student to see if they are grasping the material. It’s my favourite part of teaching, and I wake up wondering if I’ll ever have that feeling again. So rewarding.
It is bittersweet, growing old. Many of life’s goals have been achieved, and yet, the desire for more still exists. At least, it does for me. I’m just not sure what to do about it.
As a child, I knew no limits, setting out on adventures with never a fear for how I’d find my way back home.
Now, nestled in my home, I limit myself to certainties, fearful of risks.
Some days, I wonder about that child, and how it would feel to wander freely, and it makes me smile.
The body may be hindered, but the imagination remains forever young.
(Post originally appeared on One Woman’s Quest II, May 2022)
I side with mundanity
caution-led momentum
still, anxiety interjects
Every day presents beauty
wonder, and where am I?
Slinking away from some black dog –
collared and distant
Life offers me a bridge
and I shrink, ducking into
sheltered viewpoints
praying the moment
passes me by
No wonder the black dog
catches me, straining its leash
to sniff this trembling old woman
its handler oblivious to the
fear mounting in the room
I will project the spots of the past
into silent scenarios, and
brace myself as if riding a tiger –
unprepared and hanging on for life
Avoidance is a fool’s game
for life is challenge
and if I’m honest
it’s not the dark that quickens
but rather that which resides within
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I am the black dog –
collared and distant
I am my spotted past
and I am, in essence
the spirit of the tiger
And I am the very shelter
that I seek
open-doored
and ever-present
for every weary passerby
My walls may be worn
my countenance aging
but I am not without purpose
I shall seek out bridges
and contain these nerves
and cross into the unknown
instinct and intuition intact
Leave anxiety,
collared and distant
behind.
(Image my own)
Winter defines this stage,
this page, night descending
too early for my taste
If I catch a falling star,
can I shed the excess
layers of this confinement
Follow animal impulses
to a sunnier clime, restore
exuberance of noble youth?
Passion persists, intelligence
intact, just need a brighter
angle from which to reveal it.
(Image my own)
Upgrading –
setting new standards
learning anew
Kin/ heritage
pursues me –
influence
and legacy
Timid concerning
the unspoken
the understated
Seduction courts
a response –
I am flush with possibility
basking in attention
But God is calling me home –
reminds me of mortality
humbles me in situ
I am already engaged
passion in the moment
dalliances redundant
(Self portrait created blind with acrylic paint and palette knife)
Love’s waters rise
defy the impossibility
of our sedentary walls
tides and emotions
like sculptors
reshaping the contours
of opposition, softening
the places where hearts meet.
(Image my own)
She’s papering the walls
pondering former rooms
unmarked by her presence
Patterns alternate,
she thinks
then prays
will harmonize
She doesn’t need much –
a forever mantra  —
a bed, a chair for reading…
Contentment, she tells herself,
the sufficiency of simplicity –
A side table, a lamp
a few drawers
Â
A well-practiced diminishment
When did invisibility become her norm?
Sewing herself into the fabric of life
Always adapting to the flow
A stab of anger, or is it sorrow
These four walls her final stop
If she is to make a statement
raise her voice against conformity
the time is now
A slash of red, she decides
will rattle the monotony
render her relevant
At least this once.
(Sketch my own)
Silently, I follow
novice heart absent
Who can maneuver
the breathless streams
attempt a spiritual viewpoint
while continuously overwhelmed?
Urgently in need of a breakthrough
I am done, outdated
Summer’s passage conceded
this soul requires triage
An experience of caring
that does not resemble a demand for more.
(Image my own)
One Woman's Quest 