Motoring through duality,
straining, in the middle –
socialized, yet reticent –
My heart is overflowing,
like an unwatched sink
falling apart, too much
Driving, the past’s rain
blurring any joy; feel
dirty, taut, losing control
Harm vanishes, comes
back around; hosting
good intentions, rank;
Progression entirely
defined by vulnerability
smothering celebration
Towed along by sweetness
of children, dining on their
innocence banishes despair.
Ground is shifting
below my feet
solid mass
swirling,
dissolving
into gritty
eddies of sand.
Would be a desert
storm if I were not
standing at
water’s edge;
nothing for it
but to leap
take a risk
and fly.
(Interest from pinterest.com)
I see it in their eyes –
the fear for my safety –
have not been able to paddle
my own boat for some time,
and here I am contemplating
going against the current,
taking a leap, seeking out
new sheltered places.
Survival is risky, they say –
risk is necessary if we’re ever
going to shake this malaise –
no explanation will appease them,
cannot understand the empowerment
that comes from discovering other realities –
promise to stay away from danger –
there are waterways, lands, mountains
to explore – this is not betrayal.
It is moving on, effective collaboration,
we will get along, disclose our differences,
have found willing transport, please
understand, children, we will work
this out, need to create a new reality –
one that allows for relaxation,
celebration – there is nothing left here
but a legacy of suffering, our absence
doesn’t mean our hearts are missing –
our love will be forever present.
(Image:Â artimagesfrom.com)
Spontaneity craves opportunity,
ignores setback – will not wait,
prepare – is ready, it sweetness
a charm, luring and strangling.
Just rumours, this rage-tired hurt
calculating appearances, facade
ambition-not-happening deters all
hope of aid; organization could be
an opening – regulate responses,
indicate good things happening
in the wings, projecting warmth –
the fear is discovery, stepping out
from comfort – creativity is willing,
intelligence on board – vulnerability
pervades, adds to the conversation,
lacks wind – manipulation, criticism
all plot to dissuade – what peace is
there in exposing identity? Â Persona
needs overhaul, sorry energy resists
change, only hope the assurance of
quick-witted bravado – preference is
to let someone else reign, continue
absence – force is needed to propel
this anxiety-heavy body, exuberance
would breathe life, crush self-serving
put downs, fear of disappointment,
and telltale self-image; ignore the
riotous ‘no’ and oust the narcissist.
(Image:Â mamiverse.com)
There’s a place, at the intersection
of break downs and choices ahead,
where I have ownership, but avoid.
Courage resides there, and other
parts of self unnamed – I haunt
the place by night, intrigued by
the camaraderie, lack the guts
to venture into the unknown –
decidedly a criminal element;
need a sense of adventure to aid
escape, squeeze me past seedy,
neglected, cracked pane spaces;
lack wheels, coordinates confused –
am located who knows where –
war for independence my identifier.
In daylight, I am redeemed, visited
by semblances of normalcy, sweet
offerings of obligation, distraction;
revel in youth’s exuberance, pretend
that gifts of kindness sustain me,
ignore the relentlessness of corners.
Circumstances shift –
breath the fertile air –
let dreams fly, expand,
embrace change – hope
now winged, an explorer
bursting with possibility.
I would move this old
body, relocate to new
beginnings, be reborn
but for these internal
trappings – begging for
extermination – retro
shaded memories –
long past expiration –
skewed accessibilty,
stretched without purpose,
reconfiguration required –
history a real estate, I need
to unload; who will buy
a drama-laden, single
story alcoholic’s haunt?
Circumstances shift –
sniff the fertile air –
guard forbidden dreams
change, like wings, unfolds
in its own time; be patient,
possibility is taking flight.
(Image from: vijaycool.wordpress.com)
Slippers, perched at night stand,
twitching impatiently,
mark the absence of feet,
cannot appreciate the meaning
of unruffled bed covers.
Abandoned, a coffee mug
bemoans its curdling contents,
complains of thick brown lines
contaminating its porcelain shine,
has not noted absence of hands.
Chair, pushed back from desk,
in partial rotation, sits awkwardly,
commanding attention, disturbed
by its misalignment, has not thought
to ponder absence of body.
House, uncomfortable with silence
creaks unnaturally, loudly voicing
objections to the absence of footfalls,
automated machinery and incessant
rings, beeps, and chimes of technology.
I try to reassure them that the absence
is only temporary, that the man whose
presence so strikingly fills this space
will return, hope they cannot read
the apprehension in my tremulous heart.
Change rears its scaly head
espies my fragile structure,
seizes opportunity, slithers
brazenly…
I recoil, attempt composure,
downplay danger, pretend
control, waiver, vulnerability
blatant …
Disturbance quickens, doubles,
advances swiftly, a sinuous
menace seeking its prey,
unstoppable…
I am defenseless:Â retreat
impossible, denial futile;
praying for mercy, survival
unscathed….
The serpentine beast knows
no moral boundaries, writhes
to an ungodly call, devours
complacency…
I brace myself, recall past
attacks – venomous fangs
ripping through fragile flesh –
ravaged…
Resiliency restores equilibrium
(must have developed immunity)
as the predator slinks away, sated
momentarily….
The cab follows familiar routes, and as a passenger I am afforded the luxury of observing the sights. Having grown up in this city, there are many memories stored here.
The driver takes the route past the park: a favourite drive for me. Majestic green trees line the street, and beyond a grassy expanse offers the promise of leisurely walks, and family outings. Every stage of my life has been marked by time spent in this place, and some little bits of my past bubble up in passing. Today my mind flashes to drives through the park with my mother, begging her to stop so we could play on the swings. “Another time,” she would always promise. Never enough times for our young hearts.
Beyond the park, we come to a halt at a traffic light. There was no through street here when I was a kid, and the house on the corner belonged to a friend’s mother. I remember how she resisted selling when the city put the new road through, and hung on for years. She is dead now and the house is boarded up. I assume her children did not carry on her cause.
A little further up the road is a restaurant where I once worked. At the time, it was well known, attracting both locals and what we considered to be “celebrities”. Long lines of people waited to get in well into the night, and we worked hard but thrived in the bustle. Now the sign is faded, and the parking lot overgrown with weeds. A converted church next door is the new “fab” place to dine.
We pass another green space, once a field, that is now well groomed for soccer players. The houses just the other side, previously old and neglected, now house new families with fresh hopes.
Coming into downtown many of the buildings are the same, but the names have changed.  A parking lot is being cleared for new construction.
The cab drops me at my destination, and as I sit in the new station, waiting for my train, I contemplate the many changes that this city I call home has undergone.
Isn’t that life? I muse. Some things stay the same, but much changes.Â
All change is for the better, I once read. I wonder.
Thor and my lives have certainly undergone change in the past year, and I dreamt of a snake again last night, waking in a panic. My dream snakes have been harbingers for the changes we have undergone, but this one was coiled peacefully, and causing no harm. Still, it made me ponder what is next.
My journey to this station reminded me that it is naive to think things will never change. Perspectives change, causes lose their impact, and priorities shift.
Armed with this new outlook, I am willing to bet that this next life shift will be positive.
We are ready for good news.
Winds of change brings us renewed life and enjoyment.
Cancer, it turns out, it is a powerful proponent of simplicity.
Faced with uncertainty, one is forced to exam the complexities of life and cull.
Our lives are reduced to three priorities:
– Making healthy choices
– Caring for relationships
– Reducing financial burden.
Necessity demands that any extraneous commotion be pushed aside.
