Author: VJ

Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

Rapture

Odd, this gift of solitude. Perched canal side, I affirm my connection to the earth, and offer thanks. Late afternoon sun casts a glow on the foliage across the way, lighting up the mirror-still water. Vibrant reflections.

Two winters ago, I fought to breathe as temperatures fell below zero.  Impassible walkways trapped me indoors.  Depression fought for possession. Hope struggles in imposed isolation.

“There are no absolutes in life,” a professor once told me, and I think of that now –
how just when it feels as if one sentence has been handed down, sealed, an opening appears.  I am fortunate, savour the moment.

Heron’s watchful stride
invites reflection, respect –
Winter’s solitude.

(Image my own.)

Inside Out

We decry loss of innocence
whilst downplaying our sins

Not news.
Blame is a tricky game…

Better to practice accountability
than to capture the podium…

Changing the world
inside out.

(I’ve been thinking about all the noise going on in political forums and wondering if we the people hadn’t best organize in order to protect ourselves from any unforeseen fallout. Not sure what that would look like, but losing my trust in ‘leadership’.)

My image.

Moth To The Flame

Yearning, so unrestrained
passion’s flame willfully
failing accountability

 Urgency is infectious
vulnerability feeds the sickness
co-dependence overstays

Naïvité on repeat –
mother complex burns
obsessive obligations

Abandonment inevitable
wounds stagnating
threaded histories unravelling

Grief, oppression –
How does one breathe?
Sorrowful, unbalanced

Unmodulated caring
charred tendencies
destined to scorch anew.

(Image mine)

Unexpected Delight

The wind subsided
momentarily
and the river stood still
and I caught your reflection
memories flooding back

When days were warm
and innocence nurtured imagination
and you held me in your arms –
a creature no different than
the squirrels and birds
who shared a branch

I loved you like a mother –
your steadfastness
the drapery of your foliage –
hiding made sublime

Oh, how my heart swelled
recalling the simplicity  –
how easy it was to believe
that trees had spirits
and the wind could talk
and the stillness of the day

To climb, to ascend,
to know that sacred ladder
that lifted me high above

The moment passed
the water rippled
but the inspiration remains

Your roots hold the promise
dear Willow, I am sure –
thank you for the reflection

(Art my own)

Relevance

She’s papering the walls
pondering former rooms
unmarked by her presence

Patterns alternate,
she thinks
then prays
will harmonize

She doesn’t need much –
a forever mantra  —

a bed, a chair for reading…

Contentment, she tells herself,
 the sufficiency of simplicity –

A side table, a lamp
a few drawers
 
A well-practiced diminishment
When did invisibility become her norm?

Sewing herself into the fabric of life
Always adapting to the flow

A stab of anger, or is it sorrow
These four walls her final stop

If she is to make a statement
raise her voice against conformity
the time is now

A slash of red, she decides
will rattle the monotony
render her relevant

At least this once.

(Sketch my own)

When Love Fails

Slammed by expectations
silenced by your rage
the hero in me exhausted

I can’t make it right, my love
when communication is forbidden
and the voices in your head
hold us both hostage

I’m clinging to memories
resolved to leave here
integrity intact
identity intact

The mayhem in your words
has cut the ties –
I know where I stand
mental health at stake

I’m setting my intention
walking away –
will find my own footing
and hope you don’t forget

That love always holds answers
and despite my somber exterior
the back door to my heart
is always open

(Art my own)

They Tried to Warn Me

The serpent alerted me
boa sized terror disrupting sleep
I tried to push it back
but the beast insisted
“Keep driving forward, woman
I am at your side”

It came again
infiltrating my slumber
with a wide mouthed warning –
“I could consume you,
you better be ready”

Of course, I looked away.

It was a tiger next,
whose force, unmistakeable
sat upon my legs
rendering me inert
“You will pay attention”
he warned. No argument there

But how am to decipher
these nightly messages
the power of such beings
infiltrating my waking moments
am I going mad?

It would be the wolf
whose presence caught me
mid-flight, awake while dreaming
that startled me the most
“No time”, he said, “the moment is now”

And I awoke with a shudder
heart drumming an anxious tempo


and that’s when the letter arrived
telling me that we were finished
flesh of my flesh
no longer forgiving
and then the dog died
and I know that things come in threes
and the threads of my heart
barely holding on
can’t handle anything else
and my mind burns with questions

If only I’d paid attention
when that first snake appeared.

(Inspired by dreams. My art)

Oh, How I Pray

These hovering lows
how does one escape the pull?

Defensiveness a useless tool
I cannot read intentions

I self-animate
a contrived endeavour

Shine reduced
I am humbled
off colour

Grief, on repeat
I want to disappear
like Peter Pan
childlike, armed
with illustrious fantasies

Could this be metamorphosis –

A paralytic calm
a spell-binding ponder
cracking righteousness
till clarity fades the gray

Oh, how I pray it is
the light of love
chiseling a new path

(Inked sketch my own)