My Spirit Stands Strong

Progress, seldom linear,
tosses me into unexpected decline,
stranded and incapacitated.

My son with labour-hardened arms
leaps to my side, steadying me
and I feel the fear in his caring grip

My daughter, ever compassionate,
reaches out, eyes filled with horror
as my body crumples onto the bed.

My husband, my oak, seeks to comfort
his voice betraying the helplessness
this futile predicament imposes.

Beloveds, I know that you see me
this dis-abled, non-functioning shell
weakened and sickly, lying on this bed

Do not be deceived-
it is only an illusion –
vessel temporarily fettered

I am in essence, as before
ambitions and desires intact
hold this version of me

Sense the wholeness of my being
the woman I am yet to be –
my spirit stands strong.

(My Spirit Stands Strong first appeared here August, 2015; edited for this version.
Image my own)

Not Dead Yet

There is safety in apart-ment living;
would corral the little ones, declare
responsibility, obligations as a mask
for this self-banishing compulsion…

except that I am lying prone, exposed –
brains spilling onto concrete – shadows
revealing the darkness of my condition,
hopelessly locked in physical inertia.

I am an unwitting contributor to
scientific (and pseudo) probing:
audacious autopsies pronouncing
conclusive evidence of motives.

Too polite (and weakened) to deflect,
I submit, demonstrating complacency,
sacrificing autonomy; fail to assert
that it is I who is taking this life test.

And, by the way, am passing quite
adequately, which defies all rational
diagnosis and prognosis, and serves
to reassure me of ultimate success.

(Not Dead Yet first appeared here June, 2016. Image my own.)

The Other Side

Wind carries Autumn’s song
and I am crawling out of a nightmare

Insides churning widdershins
thoughts grasping for a forward pull

Have been to the edge,
touched the volatile

Birdsong breaks solemnity
I catch a ray of light.

(Tuesdays, I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson
Last September, I was in hospital fighting
through a life threatening condition.
I penned this there. Image my own.)

Dear Legs

I’ve been remiss
in expressing appreciation
all the years you’ve carried me –
stride confident, pace swift,
head turning grace –

We wobble now, you and I,
strength questionable
stilted soldiers forging against
a tide of contrary currents

Remember endless laps in the pool
prepping for provincial meets,
then dancing till the wee hours
getting down with disco?

We were champions, you and I
beauties taking on the world
leap-frogging in a race against
a undefinable foe, determined
that destiny held no limitation

I may not have expressed it
but each step is precious to me
and every time you hold me
upright, my gratitude’s sincere

There’s life yet to discover
and dreams still burn
Can you hear the drumming
will you join me in the dance?

(Dear Legs first appeared here in October 2017. I submit this edited version for Eugi’s Weekly prompt: champion. Image my own.)


Why Not?

Severe
bone
loss

One more challenge
already exhausted system
accommodating further testing

slow
climb
determination

(Written for my weekly challenge: threes. I was diagnosed with Osteoporosis last year, but due to other, more urgent health problems, treatment was put on hold. Reviewing the situation, my doctor referred me to a specialist, who said I have severe bone loss in my hip and am prime for a break. After a fight with third party insurance, I am finally on board to start a bone building drug. Ah, life! Image my own.)

Chronic Companion

She sits with me at breakfast,
follows me to the park,
hovers on the drive home,
celebrates when I lie down,
snuggles in with warming pad,
and moans…

Not a companion
I would have chosen,
preferred the active,
athletic life, and yet

She complains with me
in the afternoon, invites
excuses during dinner,
grounds me in the evenings
and tosses me at bedtime

Not a companion
I would have chosen,
but at least I’ll grant her this –
she’s chronically devoted.

 

 

March Madness

Winds picked up yesterday, gathering grey.  Cold seeped in through the windowsills, and we set the furnace on high.  Forecast for today is just above zero, even though we are in a tropical zone.  Oh well, I decide, a nice spicy soup will warm our innards.

Seems my body mirrors the weather: health declining, forcing me to bedrest frequently.  Have slept most the morning.  In between, I check emails, the blog, and we speculate about what will happen next with Mother Nature.  Soon, it will be time to venture home – a both welcome and sorrowful thought.

Confused winds blow cold,
winter reversing itself –
piquant soup simmers.

(It’s haibun night at the dVerse pub, hosted by Merril who challenges us to write about March Madness.  I am also linking up to Ragtag Community’s prompt: speculate and Fandango’s: health.)

The Same, But Broken

Fragility blindsides –
I am woman.
Strong.

Courageous, some say –
a sentiment beyond my reach
having not chosen this state.

Fragility is pervasive –
body reduced to miniscule fibers,
stretched, torn, bordering
on broken.

Overwhelmed, mind obsesses –
will neither organize
nor let go…

If only I could let go…

I am weeping
and not

Weeping from frustration –
immediate impossibility –

Unwilling to weep for totality of loss –
it is beyond me.

Illness is regarded
with disgust,
indifference,
repulsion

There is no equality for the disabled

And, yet…

Rawness –
stripped of busy-ness –
renders me as any other

A soul yearning for a meaningful existence.

Maybe illness is the great equalizer.

(The Same, But Broken was first written in December of 2014, when I suffered from severe Myalgic Encephalomyelitis.  It is revised here.)