Category: life

Down Is Right

Been riding the down elevator too long
a slight detour, I once, long ago, thought

Ambitions set on Penthouses
and upper echelons of success

First, there is a trip I must make
a downward pull insisting –

See, it isn’t true what they say
that we can be whatever we want

It’s time to stop running,
stop chasing empty promises

I’m getting down to roots
causes and influences

history revealing a legacy
here in the depths of self

a final reckoning that bears light
seems I’ve miscalculated directions

I’ve been riding the down elevator
about to alight on revelation.

(For Reena’s Exploration Challenge #160. Image my own. Hayes is my maiden name.)

That’s What I Fear

“A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretence and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself.”
– Maya Angelo

I fear living.

No, that’s not it.

I love living…
…but I fear engagement…
…drowning in engagement

Except, I love engagement…
… but only when I dip my toe in the waters
and feel the thrill…
and can still maintain control.

I fear losing control. I fear no longer being able to call the shots, life demanding more of me than I’m willing (or able) to give.

I’m willing to give…
… to a certain point…
…can no longer afford to be sapped dry, wrung out
and discarded… so much hurt
so much betrayal…
such lack of appreciation

I have given.
I have loved and sacrificed and cherished and
given…
…up…
…self

It’s self I’m afraid of losing
and why not?
I am only just able to touch her

She and I, still hesitant
building a certainty
a mutual admiration
respect…

And should I be called upon
to give…too much…well…

I could lose her again.

This is what I fear.

(Two separate blog posts hit me this week. The first offering the Angelo quotation (sorry, I can’t remember the blog’s name) and the second from my friend Dr Andrea Dinardo, who offers the question: What’s Under the Fear? Dr D offers a five step process for self-discovery. This is my response. Image my own. The poem also fits with my weekly challenge theme: except)

Still Travelling

Travel  East
in search of self

Half family extends
unexpected warmth

Is my identity here
with stranger-brothers?

I contemplate pausing
surrendering to other

But this is sleep-walking
the distance still remains

Journey has no end
till soul has purpose

and wisdom relieves
the wounded child.

(Submitted for Eugi’s Causerie weekly prompt:identity.  Image shows an old house with wrap around porch in monotone.  From my personal collection.)