“My father will always be a touchstone ghost. He comes around often, especially late at night when I’m singing…” – Raymond King Shurtz
A touchstone ghost? My father? A thick shame falls over the morning… Mother is dead now too, and her death, still fresh and ungrieved also hovers
What am I to make of the absence? parents who consumed so much of my energy – emotional energy, for sure –
Suddenly, they are gone and the silence echoes bouncing off the chamber where my guilt lies
Was I ever enough? I thought about walking away So many times…
But how could I? One dependent one abusive both declaring love
I am not infantile not rendered immobile but my heart does falter
If either ghost is a touchstone it is a measure of progress a beacon of survival
I wish them both well and infinite peace and well, I also wish them gone
It is the relief that comes with their passing that gives me pause…. am I really that cold-hearted?
No, not cold-hearted just worn out and longing to breathe
But ghosts linger spirit infiltrating generational layers
and I hear my father’s voice in my grown son’s compassion – a side he seldom could convey
and I see my mother’s resiliency in a granddaughter’s determination
and I know now what the grief is… the failure to recognize the gifts amid the constant suffering
Even in war their are blessings and I’ve forgotten to stop fighting still hold my breath, waiting for the fallout
Maybe the ghosts remain as a reminder
that I survived.
(Written for Holly Troy’s writing prompt: Everyday Ghosts, which invites us to breathe in a prompt (the quotation) and write without pause for 5, 10, 15 minutes.)
Thank you so much to braveandrecklessblog.com for inspiring and featuring my poem: The Salt Grows Heavy. The challenge was to write a poem based on NPR’s Books We Love list.
Memories escape me… You’d think I’m older than I am… Autonomic nervous system misfiring… Lucky I have a sense of humour – Grief would otherwise be smothering – I remain optimistic Counsel myself to find the lesson
Every day is a question mark Needs ever changing Can I walk without aids? Endure a drive in the car? Past my time without overexerting? Healing requires restorative sleep Although, it’s been years since I woke up refreshed – Letting go of such expectations part of the learning – Occasionally energy comes in bursts, Mostly, it’s a trick… Yesterday’s self no longer exists Energy a quagmire… Longing does not equal capability Initiative encounters brick walls Too often I overdo it Insensitive to my own reality Stubbornly unwilling to learn.
(Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is the disease I’ve lived with for 10 years now. I’ve collected a few more to keep it company along the way, and, of course, had one or two issues to start with. Anyway, I was recently inspired to write an acrostic poem. I’m sure there is more left to learn about living with these challenges. Image my own, as usual.)
One Woman's Quest 