Far from home,
tired and spent,
feeling abandoned,
disconnected –
I am cut off.
Lacking independence,
damaged by betrayal,
I try not to need
and get tangled up-
cut off again.
The past haunts me:
a legacy of dead-ends;
abuse, addictions,
and mental illness-
cut me off.
Seek a higher road!
Spirit calls to me.
No! Stubbornness responds
I can do this myself –
But, I can’t.
Confronting shadow,
the nightmare is revealed.
Following Spirit
is the way –
I re-engage.
Joy,
is a hummingbird,
hovering,
enthralling,
then gone…
I had a dream once, and along the way
my fairytale destination was thwarted,
upside-downed by malicious intentions,
external influences, and scheming manipulators.
Unconditional love beckoned with promises of protection,
A golden haloed knight, stirring my hopeful heart.
Revelation freed me, renewed potential
bolstered lost aspirations, and I coupled,
surrendering soul selflessly, sealing it
with heated arousal; passionate commitment.
Unconditional love beckoned with promises of protection,
A golden haloed knight, stirring my hopeful heart.
Perseverance brought union, and resigning myself
whole-heartedly participated in companionship,
receiving confessions, uncovering delusions,
sporting reminders of my naivete.
Unconditional love beckoned with promises of protection,
A golden haloed knight, stirring my hopeful heart.
Re-examination of personal duplicity,
reveals wounded obsessions and disguised strategizing.
Taking the initiative, I question at last,the authenticity of my life story.
Unconditional love beckons with false promises
No golden haired knight will fulfill my heart.
If you see me,
rapt up in battle,
wrestling a would-be assassin,
my life precariously hanging in limbo,
no professionals in sight,
please don’t walk away.
I am alone and tiring,
and my assailant is intense –
forcefully focused on bringing me down,
and I am fighting with a strength
I didn’t know I possessed,
and cannot depend on.
Am I shadow boxing?
Fighting a foe no other than myself?
Is this an act of futility
and I a fool for trying?
Should I lie down and play dead
and take my chances?
My spirit says “No!”
I’m not ready to die!
So I fight, and I fight
straining to restrain
my grip tightening
I dare not let go.
And I would not mind if you’d step in
and give me a hand
and take up the struggle with me
offering enough support
that I might call for help
now, when it’s really needed.
‘Cause, strong as I seem
my control is clumsy at best,
and it is only by some strange miracle
that I am winning at all.
So please, before I am lost,
If you see me, struggling with life,
don’t walk away.
Everywhere I look: collisions.
Ambition struck down by mindless consumerism
defeating progress;
social networking defying purpose,
mutilating communication,
disrupting movement;
victims splayed, traumatized, numb,
flaying, bloody.
Consciousness obliterated
by blind compliance;
intrinsic motivation / instinct extinct.
Values – not possessions- endure;
understanding eliminates dominance;
integrity ensures power for all.
Mindfulness calms chaos
quenches grasping urgency
restores hope;
direction and purpose
harmonized with communal focus
realizes potential
creates greatness.
Scaly slate wings entomb;
morbid fear rank;
visions blurred by despair-
my father’s empire.
Manacled, powerless
an involuntary accomplice;
Mother’s words attempt to assuage
Her eyes scream: “Run!”
Rigidly erect the Emperor
regards us condescendingly:
sneering, denying culpability
while the dragon’s tail tightens its grip.
Prisoner of this desolate reality
I shrivel, and decline
withdrawing inward
my flame an imperceptible smouldering.
Until a whispering of possibility
planted deep within the rubble
pushes upwards, grows silently
constructing, perfecting armour.
Life or death uncertain
I face the tyrant
Call him out and hold steady
Against the roaring of the beast.
Time and perseverance
Slay the ungodly
reducing omnipotence,
to pitiful pleading for mercy.
Welcoming the sunshine
embracing peace
and personal freedom,
I grant him forgiveness
and pray from my place
of solitude and healing
that my perceived oppressor
will, one day, forgive me.
retracting
shrivelled at my feet
begging for forgiveness
pining for kindness
disbelieving heart.
You’d think that sleep would be my friend.
Like a lover she would seduce me,
lulling me into her black oblivion,
coaxing me into her ocean of darkness
a current of ever-changing images
gently rocking and soothing:
restoration.
You’d think that sleep would be my friend,
But she is a multi-armed demon
tossing me from shore to shore
taunting me with her liquid blackness
abandoning me, exhausted and spent
the last laps of receding tide washing over me,
as dawn’s first rays ignite.
If sleep is an ocean,
then I am the castaway,
capsized,
stranded,
hopeless.
How did this shipwreck occur?
What sin did I perpetuate,
To set me on this tumultuous course.
What sacrifice must my soul make
For sleep to once again be my friend?
Letters jostle for position
back-up
attempt to regroup
get detoured.
Frustration builds
and obstacles
pop-up –
cognition faltering.
Circuits are jumbled
pathways rerouting
patience exploding
expression lost.
Word recall
out of order
Word recognition
under construction.
Is there an exit
from this nightmare?
I am living in my father’s house
with a man who said ‘I do”
then didn’t – at least not with me.
These walls, built with lies,
deception whispering in each corner-
betrayal bouncing off my lover’s soul.
No comfort is found here,
Expectations are beyond me
I am over my head. Stop!
Take a step back.
The house is vacant,
past inhabitants now ghosts.
I have a voice.
I have a voice.
Here is not the place to use it.
Take a step back.
Walk away.
Victory is not the goal.
Take a step back.
Let it go.
These are but hollow, old walls.
Is death a gentle reprieve,
a final release of suffering
a promised resting place?
Or is it contemplation
coloured by memories
demanding retribution?
Will death bring reunion
unleash forgiveness
shine with revelation?
Will one final earthly breath
call forth all the fragments of the soul
and restore wholeness?
I have witnessed death –
both embraced and unwanted –
snatch the spirit from its nest
felt the whoosh of escape
and a swirl of celebration,
known the peace that follows
witnessed the body, open-eyed
and open-mouthed
become a vacuum –
discarded membranes;
an impotent shell.
The spirit does not dwell there;
it lives on borrowed time.
Where it goes when all is done
remains life’s poignant mystery.
One Woman's Quest 