disappointment – One Woman's Quest

Gains and Losses

The mistress, meticulously groomed
glows a sun-kissed bronze shimmery
invitation, promising seductive
sensations of pleasure and release.

The husband, tense, overworked,
emotionally overwrought
heeds the call like a sailor
following the lure of sirens.

The flirtation begins in innocence,
he sips from her splendour at a party,
tastes her bittersweetness and
feels himself losing all control.

She is a master, a pupeteer
mesmerizing him with her smooth,
easy ways – lulling him into compliance
and alone; for private indulgence.

The wife, tired, lies awake
the empty space beside her
echoing the hollow place within-
she no longer holds his desire.

Spent and reeking from his illicit encounter,
the husband stumbles into bed,
reassuringly reaching for his wife in the dark.
Unresponsive, she feigns sleep.

They’ll not speak of it tomorrow-
awake and re-engage in the routine they call life.
Not tonight, he’ll tell himself,
Not tonight, she’ll hope.

The mistress sits smugly in waiting,
a never ending supply of liquid gold,
bottled with a promise – subliminally
conditioned to bring personal gain.

(Gains and Losses first appeared here in December of 2014. As a child of alcoholism, the Christmas season is always a reminder of the pain. Some gains are just not worth the cost. If you or someone you love has a problem with addiction, please make it a resolution to seek help. There is so much more to life.)

Hatched

She’s in the kitchen
cleaning, prepping
sweetness; wishes

to nurture childlike
longings – sugar laden
gifts, honeyed chops

hooks her men with
culinary preciseness
as legend prescribes

wants a strong, reliable
type to stir her ovaries
keep her dishing up love

disapproval, like raw egg
drips off her china plates
shame of misadventures
she cannot scrub away

only serves tea now,
the smell of liquor –
mingled with cigarette
and lecherous calloused
hands turns her stomach

avoids the coffee maker
in the same way, despises
the way the bitter brew
makes her head spin –
wits need to be in order

has settled now as hostess
caters to near strangers
whose attention, riveted
by television screens, are

lulled by the rhythmic
sounds of her sanitizing
while eggs cook on stove,
dreams of romance shelved.

(Image: bunnysvintagevictory.blogspot.com)

Adrenal Spin

Death has visited us,
and subsequently,
visitations, and
a funeral.

Ours was a loss
long anticipated,
suffering relieved
by passing on.

Dutifully, I planned
to accompany Mom,
show support, and
represent our side.

Disability answers
to its own drum,
and this added stress
inflamed the beat.

Attempts at resting,
met fired adrenals –
locked on fight/flight
as my mind reeled

conjuring images
of confrontations,
inquisitions, and
judgments, then

raised unrelated
issues unresolved,
spinning webs,
speeding pulse

I spiraled into
a perpetual abyss
of wiry panic –
release unattainable.

Disappointment
my hangover,
as predictably,
I am a no show.

One Way Conversation with Dad

Happy Birthday, Dad. You would have been 88 today.

I miss you today, Dad. I miss your wisdom; I could use some right now.

I don’t know if you can read this, Dad, or hear me, but I’d like to pull up a chair anyway, so we can talk. You see, I’m just not feeling that confident today, Dad.

I know, I know. You’d say “Why not Squeegie? Life’s what you make of it, and you’re doing a pretty darn good job, from what I can see.” And I would smile, despite myself, and thank you for the vote of confidence.

Truth is, I’ve made a lot of mistakes in life, Dad, either from stubbornness, or just plain stupidity, and I’m beginning to think that that old saying is about me – you know, the one you used to say all the time: Failure to plan is planning to fail. Well, I failed to plan, Dad.

Before you say anything, I’m not bemoaning my life – it has been good. I’m just recognizing, at my age, that if I had planned, life would be a lot different right now. I’d be retiring with my friends, and looking forward to spending many days with my grandchildren. Instead, I don’t even have a full-time job, so retirement is definitely not in the cards.

I know what you’re thinking: you weren’t a very good role model, because you failed to plan also. ( Oh, by the way, I was mad at you for that – for leaving Mom with so little, despite all the money that you made.) Seems I’m doing the same to myself.

But it’s more than that, Dad. I just don’t feel like I can trust myself, enough to make right choices, career-wise. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I have a hard time telling if I’m doing a good job, or am appreciated. I always feel apologetic or inadequate. Why is that?

No, don’t start, it’s not all your fault. Okay, you didn’t help, but I’m an adult now, you’d think I’d be over that. I’m just tired of doubting myself.

Remember when my marriage fell apart, and how the day I realized it, I drove directly to you? You sat in your chair and listened, while I crumpled on the couch, spewing anger, and disappointment, and heartbreak. I felt so defeated, and you cried with me, and shook your head, and raged on my behalf. I don’t remember exactly what you said, but this is what I heard:

“Squeege (your pet name for me), I don’t know why this has happened to you, but I do know this: you are a bright, loving woman, and you give your heart and soul to everything you do, and everyone you love, and you deserve better than this. Goddamn it, you deserve better than this!”

You could be a bastard, a lot of the time, Dad, but you were also my rock.

I’m just sorry that today, you weren’t here for me to tell you so. As for my problems, guess I’ll have to figure this one out on my own.

I was too proud to tell you when you were alive, Dad (and too stubborn), but truth is, I needed you. Still do.

Thanks for listening, and by the way, Happy Father’s Day.

Love you,

Squeege