Never joined a sorority,
irked by the concept
of conformity…
Besides, those girls
flirted with audacity,
while my self-image
was frail, shattered by
the fraternity next door.
(Tuesdays, I borrow from Twitter @Vjknutson. Image my own)
Tag: belonging
No Way In
These shackles may be but illusions
but the conditioning lingers –
I’m not enough
lack the look
the chic
fall short of acceptable
Add age and I am
forever sentenced
to monachopsis –
an outsider,
circling.
(Image mine)
Distance
Even in togetherness there is distance.
I am alone.
A central figure, distracted,
aiming for contact –
unable to eviscerate control –
repeatedly producing a singular confusion.
Define success…
Is it the one on top,
the know-it-all,
or are these the mechanisms
of estrangement?
I am unable to discern –
stability never more than a dalliance.
The pavement ahead whispers
promises of a sense of belonging,
can I tolerate the quest?
Unfulfilled, I am protective,
fear off-shoots of depression,
shield tender inner places…
bring on change, there are others
watching, looking to me
as an example.
I can do it, on their behalf.
Never alone.
Always distances to cross.
Branded Loser
I feel like an underdeveloped,
socially awkward adolescent,
delegated to the sidelines,
measuring esteem against
athleticism of those who
made the grade – a failure.
I feel like in my ineptitude,
I have hosted a party, bent
on celebrating the prowess
of others – created the perfect
environ to appear the team
player – oozed congeniality.
I feel as if it’s free food
that attracts the guests,
and my malaise that repels,
esteem trampled beneath
the feet of hasty retreats,
and unappreciative takers.
I feel perpetually locked
in other-ness, an oddball
whose best efforts barely
penetrate the self-assured
wall of social acceptability,
self-branded an outcast.
The Shadow of Shame
Head down, absorbed with your mundane task,
you diligently work with pregnant anticipation.
Hesitantly, I approach,
offering commendation.
Straightening, you stare through me
and turn your back
your silence a concrete wall
between us.
Embarrassed, I retreat
across the frozen landscape
of your inhospitality,
stinging with rejection,
stumbling in my own
awkwardness.
Lounging, you revel
in upcoming adventures
Confident and capable
Shining with radiance.
Overshadowed by your beauty
and superior wit
I am silent,
floundering in my incapability,
not wishing to appear the fool.
I catch you searching,
seeking a place to land
and call your name,
hurrying to catch you,
but you ignore me,
intent on finding your own answer.
Feeling inadequate I shrink back
and hope no one has seen.
I never measure up.
Something about me
elicits shunning.
I am nondescript
invisible.
A young man,
tortured and in trouble
invites me in.
We share a lot in common,
he too knows loss
and condemnation.
He too has made mistakes
and suffered consequences.
He is a willing companion,
and I have found acceptance.
One Woman's Quest 