Before I was sick,
I counted the days and hours,
not because of drudgery –
I loved my job –
because I had stretched myself
beyond normal limitations.
Before I was sick,
I wore responsibility
like a superhero,
and defined by work,
prioritized tasks
above well-being.
Before I was sick,
I joked with others
about the disabled
lounging around,
living the life of leisure,
usurping the system.
Before I was sick,
I prided myself on saying “yes”,
being dependable,
loyal to a fault,
a friend to all.
I thought I was invincible.
When I started to get sick
I trudged from doctor to doctor,
underwent tests,
and humiliation,
learned to doubt myself,
and turned the blame inward.
When I started to get sick,
I chastised myself
for being overweight
and not exercising enough,
and stopped eating carbs,
and pushed harder.
When I started to get sick,
I ignored my body,
failed to set boundaries,
continued to eat on the run,
and felt ashamed
that I had let myself go.
When I started to get sick,
I was wracked with guilt
for the compromises
I had to make,
failing to juggle
so many obligations.
Now that I am sick,
I value more than ever
the importance of priorities,
recognizing that well-being
always proceeds well-doing,
and appreciate my body’s voice.
Now that I am sick,
I understand that work
does not define me,
and disappointing others
is a reality in life.
I am not invincible.
Now that I am sick,
I’ve learned that richness
is a quality of living
and not a figure
in a bank balance.
Happiness, the same.
Now that I am sick,
discernment defines
the relationships I desire,
no longer willing
to negate self
for the love of others.
Now that I am sick,
I no longer pretend,
or reach to meet standards
that fail to sustain me;
I have a new set of expectations
and am learning to be.
Now that I am sick,
I see with compassion
how insecurity
and a longing for approval
drove me to demise,
always failing in my mind.
Now that I am sick,
I pray that wisdom,
and humility
will guide my recovery,
and that life will await
this metamorphosis in me.