Author: VJ

Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

Burials

Stretchers and body bags
Men in fire suits
stepping over the debris
their load light, macabre

Images charred into my psyche –
four cousins dead
the eldest ten
It was 1968

Now, we stand at an adjacent grave
the children’s headstone an open book –
frozen in time – so many chapters unwritten-
the grief has not lessened

We’ve gathered to bury an uncle
youngest of ten –
only one remains –
the children’s father

At 95, he chokes on words
points to his children in the ground –
Those are my kids! he croaks
although we didn’t need the reminder

Tragedy lingers in the heart
in the mind
in the collective consciousness

I turn on the news –
tiny body bags
on stretchers
carefully removed
from the debris

Tragedy: a forever thread
in the tapestry of life.

(Image my own)



I See It Now

Commit doubting
Unaware of agendas,
inferiority driven
tainted by dependency

Seeking familiarity –
anxiety in togetherness –
a stranger to pridefulness

Shouldn’t love be comfortable
at least, at the outset?

I am spontaneous,
I tell myself,
rely on Fate’s presence
no need to discern

Might as well send out an invite:
This heart is unlocked;
abuse welcome here!

(Image my creation)

The History Lesson (haibun)

“Why do we have to learn about something that doesn’t effect us?” the small, blonde student asked me. “I mean, it was ages ago, and not even in our country.”

She might as well have run me through the heart with a stake, the pain of her words struck me so deeply.  I considered her:  an average student, indulged, youngest child, modestly dressed, like many of her age. Disinterested.

Because without our awareness, and interference, history repeats itself, I wanted to say.  Because nothing that happens in the world happens in isolation; we are not immune. Because ignorance makes victims of us all.

Instead, I sent the class home with an assignment:  ask questions, call your grandparents, find someone who remembers, and be prepared to share what you have discovered.

History foretells –
casts eerie shadows over
disregard’s future.

(Reposting The History Lesson as it remains pertinent. Photo collage my own)

Is Optimism Enough?

“Are you happy?”

The question hits
my gut,
slingshots
down the hall
deadends
at optimism

“Of course,” I respond.

What else can I say…
Sure life needs tweaking…
I am learning to be better…
I can make this work…

Why?  What do see?
Thoughts unspoken
but the bell has been rung…

(I wrote this poem in 2020, in response to a prompt. It was inspired by an encounter with an old flame, whose question caught me off guard. I was not, in fact, happy at the time – my then marriage about to crumble. The thing is, this event happened almost 30 years ago, and yet remains in my mind. Funny how the psyche holds onto things. Image my own.)

Nightmare

This malaise
this undeniable melancholy
product of isolation…
of an unreliable mind

What shadows awaken me?
a flash of car beams
or something more sinister?

Illness heightens sensitivity
I am set on ‘wired’ –
Internally running,
externally frozen

Sleep will not return
I don bravado
call out the ghosts
“Show yourself!”

Nothing.
Now I am raging –
“Who dares to disrupt slumber
then cowers in corners?”

Shadows grow eyes
and the walls undulate
a figure emerges
self in negative

I cower
pray I am delusional
mirrored self points downward
where floorboards recede

Skeletal remains
fill the earthen pit
nonsensical bones
of immortal pasts

Danger lurking
and I am not immune
the time has come
to submit…

(Image my own)

What Remains?

Should I escape these shackles –
manage to re-surface, swim
despite this weakened condition
against the currents of disability,
find myself once again on the
solid grounds of civilization –
will I be embraced with cheers
of victory, or slotted into some
back room, reserved for the fallen,
spoken to in hushed tones,
forever handled at arms length,
an object to be feared?

And, if I manage to fight these
bonds that for so long have
threatened to annihilate,
will I have the bravery to face
the calling that once defined me,
shake off the cobwebs of
disorientation, defy the
certainty of unpreparedness,
draw from the well of past
experiences and rise to
a new battle, proving the
validity of my return?

Or, with freedom, do I look
to opportunity, clear the slate
of former ambitions, rewrite
the pages of my destiny,
embrace an attitude of
rebirth, decide to relinquish
the sword, cut my losses
and redefine a new, gentler
way of being in the world,
less dependent on a system
which undoubtedly propelled
this descent in the first place?

(My art, entitled Abandoned Forest, acrylic. This poem first appeared in 2016, when after two years bedridden with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, I pondered what would become of me. As part of a support group now, I recognize this same struggle in others plagued by chronic illness. Personally, I eventually found my answer in the third stanza.)

Repression is Not an Option

This divide is but an illusion
glass partitions fallible

We drink from the same source
our assigned task reverential

Denial has limits…
the beast swells…
writhes in churning waters

We are fearful
because power feeds off fear –
Eden’s serpent reincarnated

Round up your loyalties
your petty contrivances
and prepare

Patriarchy engorged
 on misogynistic agendas
force feeds archaic notions

Subdues
constricts
silences
disembodies the feminine –

We have been here before, women
and we are Eve –
not born of man’s weakness
but in response to it!

She-power
intuits
channels
transforms

We are the beast
wombs pulsing
curves thrashing
our collective hearts
life affirming

Let us shatter glass illusions
hold our sisters, mothers, children
in heart-centered conviction

align our voices
stand firm
and channel this righteous rage
into empowered revelation.

(Art mine with an AI boost)

Surrender

Nurturing sweetness –
a desire to maintain
childlike response

A barrier
to what lies within
darkness waiting

Funny, this present impulsivity –
am alone,
overweight,
a dreamer

Pretence overcomes stage fright –
a worthy role for any story

Not a glittery, Star-crusted version
but a well-worn edition

I am solid, ebony,
earthen –
value innate

Unknown depths
murky shadows –
A brokenness craving
perfection

Must surrender
to the catharsis of creativity –

Fear and protectiveness retreating,
helpless in the face
of the adventure that calls.

(My sketch with AI interpretation)