Silently, I follow
novice heart absent
Who can maneuver
the breathless streams
attempt a spiritual viewpoint
while continuously overwhelmed?
Urgently in need of a breakthrough
I am done, outdated
Summer’s passage conceded
this soul requires triage
An experience of caring
that does not resemble a demand for more.
(Image my own)
Sloth-like she shuffles
each stride an argument
against unwilling muscles,
ignores spasms, lips pursed
in concentration, advances
Cockeyed he totters,
step…hop…step, poker-hot
stabs punctuating his effort
moves swiftly as if to out run
pain, face set in determination
They are out of sync, oddball
awkward sightseers, obstacles
for the fast-moving able-bodies
that whir past unable to fathom
motivation in crooked spines.
The race here is against time,
propelled by insatiable thirst,
they forage for snippets worthy
of hoarding, squirrels readying
for winter’s harsh call, days
when minds still alert will hunger
despite bodies inert, they will
dine on memory, boast about
the daring, reminisce fondly
over adventures hard won.
(A portrait of aging, first published in 2017. Image my own)
Give me a map
and I will trace the lines
of where I have been
A timeline
will communicate
my raison d’être
Report cards
demonstrate the depth
of my conformity
Lines on my face
a testament
to personal efforts
Good girls colour in the lines
and I am no different
waxing orange and green
Wishing to create contours
differentiate self
from the compliance
Essence is fluid
and lines flimsy
and substance seeks
exposure and celebration
And try as I might
the orange of my soul
bleeds into blank spaces
and green of my nature
reaches across divisions
and I shall not succumb
to prescribed limits
and I invite you to do the same
colour with me outside the lines.
(Art my own)
Disregard the obvious –
I know how time has marred me
Disregard the glare –
eyes clouded with cynicism
A fledgling heart beats
within this disheveled nest
Come closer and behold
a childlike yearning for love.
(Come Closer first appeared September, 2022. Image my own)
Thank you so much to Navigating the Change for offering the opportunity. Warning, this article deals with end of life, medical assistance in dying (MAID)
Commit doubting
Unaware of agendas,
inferiority driven
tainted by dependency
Seeking familiarity –
anxiety in togetherness –
a stranger to pridefulness
Shouldn’t love be comfortable
at least, at the outset?
I am spontaneous,
I tell myself,
rely on Fate’s presence
no need to discern
Might as well send out an invite:
This heart is unlocked;
abuse welcome here!
(Image my creation)
This malaise
this undeniable melancholy
product of isolation…
of an unreliable mind
What shadows awaken me?
a flash of car beams
or something more sinister?
Illness heightens sensitivity
I am set on ‘wired’ –
Internally running,
externally frozen
Sleep will not return
I don bravado
call out the ghosts
“Show yourself!”
Nothing.
Now I am raging –
“Who dares to disrupt slumber
then cowers in corners?”
Shadows grow eyes
and the walls undulate
a figure emerges
self in negative
I cower
pray I am delusional
mirrored self points downward
where floorboards recede
Skeletal remains
fill the earthen pit
nonsensical bones
of immortal pasts
Danger lurking
and I am not immune
the time has come
to submit…
(Image my own)
Was it neglect
that rendered us
so useless?
joints collapsing,
minds scattering
movement minimal…
That which we no longer tend to
loses lustre – less profit to reap
When we store our dreams in corners –
time usurping promises,
visions asleep –
the fallout is too steep
Cherishment is what is needed
for self, for hopes, for all life.
(Image my own)
I miss your wisdom;
could use some about now,
confidence lacking
Life’s what you make of it,
you’d say, and
You’re doing a good job…
Truth is, I’ve made a lot of mistakes –
call it stubbornness or stupidity-
but I failed to plan, Dad
Not bemoaning life
It’s been really good
and I know you did the same
I’m just tired of doubting my self
Watching the rest of the world
reach their goals and then retire
While I can never tell –
am I doing a good job
am I even appreciated?
Remember the day my marriage died
and I came to you, crumpled
spewing anger, defeated…
And you cried with me
raging on my behalf, said:
Goddamn it, you deserve better than this!
Funny that through all the pain
your walls, my walls
you, alone could see me
Tragic how I only understand that now
death and years separating us –
my need for you still raw.
(Image my own – cut and paste with AI)
One Woman's Quest 