Gathered up all the love I’d previously rejected pulled it to me like a well-worn cloak Imagined the comfort such a vibration would bring oblivion amounting to bliss
But love – my interpretation of it – does not nullify pain And I writhed in its intensity pain physically ingrained burdened by memories
How can this be? I cried In darkness I turned to love projected nirvana uncovered such an ache
Rejection, I surmise allots protection Love reveals source of suffering depth of denial neglect of self
I’ve conjured only what-ifs and could-have-beens deluded attempts at restoration
Love does not dwell in fantastical places but here, in the moment, when wide-eyed, I embrace what is, walls down vulnerability inviting compassion.
Met a bear who proclaimed himself to be a man; knew the instant I spotted him – lumbering gait approaching – that he was an animal, feared for my safety, would have retreated
stayed at my mother’s side – sheltered in familiarity – were I not so fixated on his blatant woundedness. Sympathy blinding sensibility, i listened, hypnotized
by the whiteness of his exposed skin – wanted to believe the veracity of his tales of conversion – could visualize him sitting in church, imagine the
horror of the congregants melting, as I was, into acceptance, drinking in his words, hearts soaring at his professed abstinence from sins
of the flesh; none of immune to fairy-tale endings; faith above all. Left the sanctity of mother’s fold; followed him to his wooded lair;
read humility into his minimalist housing, swept away his cobwebs and my dreams, determined to find fulfillment in domesticity.
The forest has it own story to tell – nature does not lie – a beast does not its essence forget, in time his true temperament emerged, and I, lost
withered into a crumpled ball, a wisp of a character, weakened, disheartened; could not bend myself to become either bear
nor Goldilocks; could not tame his insatiable grumblings nor abide long winters confined; discovered too late the folly
of my girlish fantasies, learned that sympathy did not beget love, and denying instincts did not alter the fact that a bear is not a man.
(Poem first appeared here April 2016. Couldn’t resist the accompanying image – photoshopped by yours truly)