Tag: adversity

Chasing Mermaids

Impulse use to drive my plunges
unrestrained confidence propelling
fortuitous dives – unknown waters
an adventure to be conquered.

Even when anxiety came along
stalked the shoreline in horror,
assured of catastrophe (or worse),
I”d hold my breath and submerge.

Doubt would follow determination,
buoyed by adversity, swimming
forcefully, commanding adaptation –
I’d find my mermaid’s breath.

Motherhood brought restraint
called forth sensibility and caution,
replaced whimsy with practicality
shed the iridescent tail.

I only dig in dirt now –
ground my offspring to earthly
forays, forbid capriciousness,
convince myself I’m solid.

Absentminded burrowing –
(corners of compulsion)
reveal abandoned passages –
old waterways exhumed.

Proclaimed pragmatism falters;
spontaneity descends,  transforms
I am nymph again – free floating
Neptune’s daughter resuscitated.

Disability’s Dilemnas

Clutter defines my surroundings:
accumulation intended to simplify
only complicates, suffocates.

I am roommate, burden, dependent
confined to a singular existence
no longer lover, wife, companion.

While I lament the past –
ghosts of horrors and indecencies –
he drinks to forget lost dreams.

We have vowed to mend the cracks
carefully secured our footing
and yet our foundations rots.

Is it our over-active need to please
or the cold civility of our interactions
that causes us to withdraw?

My mind drowns me with shoulds
that my body can’t possibly fulfill,
guilt flooding my conscience.

How do we reconcile this distance
imposed by so much tragedy,
right the impotency of loss?

Life rolls on and I with it
humour and meditated calm
wrangling doubt and criticism.

He wears the projections
of my dissatisfaction: unresolved
remnants of old wounds resurfaced.

I can no longer ignore my needs
and reel at the mounting imbalance
grasping for sustenance and equilibrium.

Pulling away, I stubbornly proclaim
self-reliance, hindering progress
endangering self for dubious promises.

These life-altered eyes perceiving
only disappointing, unpalatable options
grasp for an end to this perpetual ache.

I am lost, disoriented, tired
communication clouded by fear
I hardly understand myself.

There is no solid footing on
a voyage as rocky as ours,
no answers to allay uncertainty.

Now is not a time for walls,
tenderness alone will guard our hearts
and patience lighten the way.

Day 214 “Divine Spark”

The emerald waters
of my crystalline personality
are only a reflection
of an external light.

Lurking below the surface
the murky waters
of self-deprecation
create further illusion.

Dive deeper,
beyond the cold chill
of darkening thoughts
and threatening despair

Weed through the silt
of bottomed out desires
and find an opening –
black and foreboding.

Enter with an open heart
and find the chest within
rusted from neglect,
unguarded, with open latch.

Brush away the cobwebs
and with respectful caution
lift the dusty lid
and behold the divine spark

My true essence,
Tucked there in the darkness
an eternal flame
vibrant and vital.

Release it for me,
be so kind,
to light this dismal patch
and set my waters aglow again.

So that the emerald waters
of my crystalline personality
would reflect my inner
divine light.

Day 132 “Creativity of the Tao”

“The world works in mysterious ways,”  my father used to say to me.  “It’s wonders never cease.”

I forget sometimes that life is a mystery.  I forget that there is an underlying force that weaves its way through our lives and creates a tapestry of meaning.  A Universe of order and compassion, Dora Kunz* calls it.

Thor has just had his fourth surgery since January.  His ability to heal is severely compromised.  I worry for him.  He feels as if he is just watching one marble after another drop in his life, falling to its fate:  out of control.

I, in the meantime, am losing my marbles.  I try to carry on as if everything is normal, and push through the anxiety, but every part of me resists.  My body rebels against my rational thoughts and proclaims its dominance.  In moments, I feel calm, reassured, but then I leave the house and my chest contracts, squeezing the breath out of me, and my heart races, fatiguing me greatly.  I want to lie down and wake up to a new reality.

There is no other reality.

This is our life.

If I can find faith, I will remember that this is just one more creative process in the greater scheme of things.  One of life’s mysteries.

*Co-founder of therapeutic touch.

Day 131 “Desires”

Thor has just undergone a third surgery to his knee to remove infection.  After yet another week of IV antibiotics, the doctor is threatening a fourth surgery next week if the healing does not progress.  Compromised by his cancer and the radiation treatments, it feels as if he is scaling a steep, and dangerous, cliff wall.

What we desire right now is relief:  a sign that things are turning around and that a return to health is imminent.

There are no worldly things that can calm the anxiety of uncertainty.  Even our summer travel plans, which had previously given us something to look forward to, are now cancelled.  Life is on hold.

The kindness of friends brings reassurance and warmth, but the reality still looms, stifling.

Rationally, I know that grief has many stages and that bargaining is just one of them, however, that is exactly what I want to do:  negotiate.  I want to make a deal with God that I will give up all my material wealth if only He will promise me that my husband will be well.

It is a desperate and hollow plea.

Instead, I must find inside myself the courage and strength to carry on.   Surrendering to  fear is not an option – my husband deserves more than that.   Fiercely, I must attack this enemy with all the love and compassion that I possess.

It is all that matters right now.