Alternate realities
parallell linear mindset
Ego-less forays into
magical mysteries –
answers secondary
Float in ecstatic
ethereal landscapes
kaleidoscopic hues
Behold irrationality
a mad whirlwind of oneness
convening in momentary flash
The portal’s open
step aboard –
ensure your ticket
is round trip.
(For Eugi’s Weekly prompt: magic.
This is a rewrite of a poem formerly titled: Meet You At The Station.
Art my own.)
I’d go back to school, continue post graduate work, rally the troops to get me there, scrounge
the fees, find someone to carry the books (I no longer have the strength) – undoubtedly miss a few sessions, get behind, feel frustration building, consult with the energetic youthful instructor, become brain locked when I cannot interpret the email address she writes down for me, confront the fact that transcribing the required reading assignment in nearly impossible (which means the work will likely never get completed in the allotted time period), and drop out.
I’d look after your young children, give you a break, but my hand is not steady and if I drop a cup it will break and what if it shatters where the children are playing – barefooted because I couldn’t rally the wherewithal to get them dressed without that much needed tea – and now the shards are a real threat, and the children are laughing and bouncing around, not heeding my warnings, thinking it’s all a joke, and I have lost control, needing to clean it up and manage the children, which I cannot do because multi-tasking is no longer within my realm of possibilities.
I’d visit my sister, the schizophrenic, who lives in a group home, and try to be supportive, but my mind is still reeling over the children, and other accumulating failures, and I know I’ve let everyone down, and quite frankly, her current state of neurosis seems so much less troublesome than mine, and I have nothing to say that would aide her other than I know what it feels like to be fucked up and exist outside the ‘norm’, and right now I just want to crawl back into my cell of isolation and breathe again – so have a good life.
I’d get a scooter, try to go for a ride on my own – be independent – but I’d likely choose the back roads to avoid the traffic and, not having accounted for inclement weather, would find the pace too fast and be forced into some small town where (with my luck) they’d be having their Christmas parade and I would be caught between crowds lining the street and marching bands and in a moment of panic would duck into the nearest opening – a family restaurant from which people are constantly coming and going and where I’d realize that I just need to get home – and try to exit just as someone (equally as pressed) is trying to enter, and having lost all vestiges of my normally polite self, I would refuse to back up, choosing instead to rage at the poor unsuspecting woman, who only needed a quick place to pee.
So, when you next ask me what I do with myself all day – and aren’t I bored – be assured that I am not lacking in suitable stimulation, do not need to take on added responsibility to give myself a sense of purpose, am incapable of volunteering with any degree of compassion, and have accepted my current state of dependency as the most appropriate given coping capabilities. I am, at present, unable to navigate life with any degree of normalcy, am content to struggle with my own limitations, putter at a speed below tortoise, bear the silence of solitude, and stay home. I am not broken, in need of rescue, or lost. I simply am.
The day was unusually warm and sunny, and like most young people my age, I was anxious to break out of school and enjoy it. Instead of boarding the bus at my usual stop, I decided to attempt walking to the transfer point downtown. Not a seasoned driver myself – I was only nine – I knew no other way to get downtown then to follow the bus route, so I set out nonchalantly, skipping and humming happily along.
After close to an hour of walking, with nothing familiar in sight, I grew weary. Spotting an approaching bus, I made the decision to board. Finding a seat near the back, I was relieved to finally be sitting down. I glanced out the window to see if I could gauge how far I had come, and guessed I was probably close to where I would have to get off and transfer.
I glanced across the street, and was suddenly struck by a feeling of deja-vu. The building across from me was not one that I had ever noted before, and when I read the name, I didn’t recognize it, yet, something about this place seemed known to me. There was a bus stop in front of the building, but I knew I had never taken a bus from that point. A woman was looking in my direction and as our eyes met, she had a sudden look of recognition. I smiled back, but couldn’t place her either. The bus moved on.
Years passed and the incident on the bus was forgotten, until the first night I decided to record my dreams.
I had enrolled in a course at the local university that examined the relationship between visions, dreams and God. The first assignment was to record our dreams. I had fourteen dreams that night.
In one, an unseen person has hold of my hand and is flying me through the city, leading me downtown to where we stop in front of a building. It is not a building I am familiar with, although something is twigging in my mind. As I stand there, contemplating its significance, I glance across the street to where a bus has stopped to take on passengers. I lock eyes with a young girl seated on the bus, and in an instant I know where I am. My twenty-eight-year old self has circumvented time and space, and come face to face with my nine-year old self. I am the other side of my deja-vu.
A full circle.
(Image: funny-pictures.picphotos.net)
One Woman's Quest 
