If I Could Only Breathe

So much I want to say,
yet the oppression of opposition
stomps heavily on my airways
cutting off the flow

Daughter of a trans father
mother contemplating MAiD –
embroiled in controversy,
I see only injustice

Cannot fathom the hatred
the railing against books
and glamour, and science,
misappropriation of christianity

How am I supposed to grieve;
take up arms for those I love,
when I am silenced before I speak
judgments cast without a thought?

If I could have a word,
if anyone would listen
I would share, perhaps insight
into the lives of secrets held

Describe how hearts wilt
beneath cruelty of suppression
how torn apart we become
ignorance voiding authenticity

I would tell you of the horrors
that dwelt within our homes
the fear of discovery, of rejection
how ugly it all felt….until

Education offered explanation
and in that opening
we saw potential to climb out
from our shadowy existence

embrace a life in which our love
is neither tainted nor deviant
and tell me please, as I try to listen
how such hopefulness is sin, after all.


(Image my own)


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VJ

Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

68 thoughts on “If I Could Only Breathe”

  5. Oh, this is heartbreaking, particularly the following:

    until

    Education offered explanation
    and in that opening
    we saw potential to climb out
    from our shadowy existence

    embrace a life in which our love
    is neither tainted nor deviant
    and tell me please, as I try to listen
    how such hopefulness is sin, after all.

    Lately, I’ve been thinking about why there is so much rabid hatred and vitriol directed towards people who are different from oneself. It makes no sense.

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  6. Loving the almost stained-glass nature of the opening image and how the poem offers a reading experience that is as profound as looking through a mosaic only to discover an evocative truth. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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  13. So powerful…every bit, VJ…especially this:

    Education offered explanation
    and in that opening
    we saw potential to climb out
    from our shadowy existence

    I think you are helping many…with reminders that climbing out is possible…but not without pain. And the art you chose? While it IS stunningly beautiful, I think I love it because it’s also very evocative of change, growth, movement, outreach and hope…most of all hope. Thank you. 💕💕💕

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  19. Thank you for posting this. I didn’t know transgender was a thing because of the censorship of religion. I am transgender, and had no idea until now, when I started looking things up online after being homeless and addicted to drugs and alcohol because of unhappiness.

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    1. I am sorry for all you have gone through and continue to experience, Damien/Amanda. My father lived his life on self-destruct mode and none of us had the words nor understanding to help him – only felt the shame and torture of being raised by an addict.

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      1. I am very sorry for how it affected you, I have affected my family a great deal, as well. I never had children for this reason. I wrote about having a daughter, for awhile on the archives of this site, for that reason, because it was something I had thought about out of a selfish desire to not be so alone. I am sorry for everything you have gone through, if it gives you any perspective, I am in love with substances/myself/and then capable of loving other people because of addiction. That is why I am so selfish. I try but this always a battle with me.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. The greatest pain I have is in not having understood my father at the time. I feel like I rejected him. I loved my dad dearly, and I know he loved me, but his pain radiated out to all of us. As the poem says, with education and social awareness, I have been able to see my father in a new light – too late for us – and it is healing. We need to keep progressing, not regressing. Thanks for your kind words.

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      3. Anytime, if it helps at all, in my experience, most addicts understand more than they say about how much they are loved alongside the negative reaction to their behavior, they do not express this, because it is humiliating to do so. I speak from my own lens, but I think it may apply to many addicts, but that could just be my arrogance talking. I hope things get easier.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Thank you, I can’t really take credit for that, I have learned a lot from my friends and my mother about compassion recently, if you look back in the archives of my blog, I sound like a complete ****, because I was doing the dry drunk thing. Thank you though, wholeheartedly, which I can say now because I learned that I actually have one, and that it is not a weakness. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Yes. My father was two people – Stan and Liz. Stan was the alcoholic and a mean one. Liz was soft and compassionate. We never knew who we were going to get.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Interesting. I have always been half bad and my other half is half bad, so we are just nuetral? I think. Each is bad in different ways. I make the comparrison all the time to being a divorced couple fighting over custody of one body. It’s funny and annoying at the same time.

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Thank you, I think after all these years I have finally figured out that is how it is the most understandable. Most people break up with me, because they say I am married to myself, which is accurate in a way. I call it divorced from myself.

        Liked by 1 person

      12. I am not so sure about that, but I am experiencing life for the first time not intoxicated, it is interesting to say the least. I think if nothing else, I am realizing I am not a bad person, just a strange one..

        Liked by 1 person

      15. And I may have mispoke, I thought I read that they were an addict because of their identity issues, I have schizophrenia, so I am not all there, and frequently forget where I am, who I am speaking to.

        Liked by 1 person

      16. I avoided alcohol and addictive substances because of my parents. My sister has paranoid schizophrenia. All good. Thanks for reaching out, Damien.

        Liked by 1 person

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