Remember how we fought at four and five – over whose turn it was to push the baby buggy?
Your Campbell soup baby face locks curlier than mine; eyes a brighter sparkle
How you withdrew from me with age ashamed your mother was an alcoholic – I did not care, carried my own secrets
How you chose drugs to cope, while I went straight – the line too wide to cross, it seemed.
You were my roots, dear friend the rock I needed to ground me Life, back then, never easy
Secrets tore us apart – projections of judgments never actualized somehow, I never measured up
I see you now, shrouded in the mist of my own grief, understand that your turmoil ran deeper than I had known, and one day
when we meet in Heaven, I will embrace the whole you and we will laugh at how secrets
whose very disclosure would have solidified us kept us more and more distant – so little did we know of love at the time.
(Lorraine died at the age of 26 – complications from drug use. After her death, I learned that she was a lesbian, a secret that she thought she could not share with me at the time. She had not known that I would not have judged her. Sadly, we never had the chance. I loved her so.)
A nine-year-old skips along the centre line of an abandoned street imagination empowered by sunshine blue skies
Till the low rumble of aircraft startles her and she runs for cover praying to an absent God to take her now, young heart too bruised to carry on.
A fifteen-year-old huddles in a dank underground corner already violated by a war she did not ask for, shamed by her body’s betrayal praying for a death more forgiving
A mother holds her baby close tremors such an indelible part of life now grasps for a God she once believed in sees the vacancy in adolescent eyes the joylessness of her weeping child prays for a way out of this hell.