My intention in starting this blog was to chronicle my journey through cancer, however; after a lumpectomy and a brief recovery time, the threat was gone. Nothing to write about, really. I kept going anyway.
Yesterday, life as I knew it took an unexpected twist. Thor was diagnosed with cancer.
“High risk,” the doctor informed us. “Your only options are surgery or radiation, but we’ll want to do more tests first to ensure the cancer is contained.”
I felt the room spin. My eyes were fixed on the doctor, hopeful that he would add something else, anything, uplifting. Oh my God, I thought, my poor husband! What must he be feeling? Without shifting my focus, I reached for Thor. He needed to know that I was there for him, no matter what.
“I’m sorry, doctor, but I want to be clear.” I struggled to keep my composure, but the tears were already breaking through. “What do you think is the best option?”
We had arrived with a list of questions, which Thor now thrust at me. Prepared as he was, he couldn’t access them. I glanced at the paper, but nothing was making any sense.
“Well, I really can’t say,” the doctor hedged. “There will be side effects, of course.”
Together, we managed to breath through the consult, but I fell apart outside of the office. Thor remained stoic. Shh! he gestured towards another patient. How can he be so calm?
“I was expecting this,” he told me on the way out.
“I’m so sorry,” I blurted out. “You don’t deserve this. I mean, you are a good person…..”
There are no right words, and mine certainly sounded empty. Truth is, goodness has nothing to do with it. I knew that. I’d seen so many people suffer with cancer; sat with them through their pain and suffering, watched them die. And I’d witnessed others who’d battled and survived. None of them deserved the suffering.
“Even the blackest hole has silver somewhere,” Thor offered.
Damned if I can see it, but I sure hope he’s right.