What Remains?

Should I escape these shackles –
manage to re-surface, swim
despite this weakened condition
against the currents of disability,
find myself once again on the
solid grounds of civilization –
will I be embraced with cheers
of victory, or slotted into some
back room, reserved for the fallen,
spoken to in hushed tones,
forever handled at arms length,
an object to be feared?

And, if I manage to fight these
bonds that for so long have
threatened to annihilate,
will I have the bravery to face
the calling that once defined me,
shake off the cobwebs of
disorientation, defy the
certainty of unpreparedness,
draw from the well of past
experiences and rise to
a new battle, proving the
validity of my return?

Or, with freedom, do I look
to opportunity, clear the slate
of former ambitions, rewrite
the pages of my destiny,
embrace an attitude of
rebirth, decide to relinquish
the sword, cut my losses
and redefine a new, gentler
way of being in the world,
less dependent on a system
which undoubtedly propelled
this descent in the first place?

(My art, entitled Abandoned Forest, acrylic. This poem first appeared in 2016, when after two years bedridden with Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, I pondered what would become of me. As part of a support group now, I recognize this same struggle in others plagued by chronic illness. Personally, I eventually found my answer in the third stanza.)

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VJ

Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

48 thoughts on “What Remains?”

    1. You are so right. Not something any of us strives for and frightening when it happens to anyone close by. Thank you.

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  5. That is so beautiful – the art and the poetry. I’m so glad you have been able to find the positives in what must have been a very difficult chapter, and are able to shape your life in gentler ways. It really goes to show that suffering can be channelled into making great art. I guess it’s a way to express all our feelings. You’ve inspired me to get my own brushes out this summer! Matt 🙂

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  8. Pingback: What Remains? – Brain disorders & other General topics of the day

  13. It is easier said than done but from what little I have gleaned from your posts, you are a strong woman.
    That’s a beautiful painting and I am so glad you share your art and words with us. ❤️

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  15. I love this, and I really like the artwork. They say most creatives have more than one mode, and every time I engage with your poetry and art, I’m reminded of that idea.

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  16. Thank you so much for sharing, VJ. I see your more recent journey in these words from the third stanza,

    “clear the slate
    of former ambitions, rewrite
    the pages of my destiny,
    embrace an attitude of
    rebirth, decide to relinquish
    the sword”

    Same as Selma and Mary’s thoughts below. Yes! xo! 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  17. You have a lot of strength VJ. I am not surprised you chose the way of the third stanza. Lucky for us who read your poetry and view your art here on WordPress. I love that painting!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Of course, this option is more uplifting:
    “rewrite
    the pages of my destiny,
    embrace an attitude of
    rebirth, decide to relinquish
    the sword”
    I know you will choose what’s best for you. Know that you are loved and respected here, VJ 🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  19. YES, Third stanza. Let it all go, begin again, one day at a time.

    Every year about this time I start writing poems and lyrics with the title, or nuance, “Let it go”

    I let it go to my Savior who formed me. I have to do.it every day, and then believe in His redeeming power of grace when I fail (which is more often than I care to admit.

    I love your poetry, and art, and share some with my daughter, who loves it too.

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