That’s What I Fear

A woman in harmony with her spirit is like a river flowing. She goes where she will without pretence and arrives at her destination prepared to be herself and only herself.”
– Maya Angelo

I fear living.

No, that’s not it.

I love living…
…but I fear engagement…
…drowning in engagement

Except, I love engagement…
… but only when I dip my toe in the waters
and feel the thrill…
and can still maintain control.

I fear losing control. I fear no longer being able to call the shots, life demanding more of me than I’m willing (or able) to give.

I’m willing to give…
… to a certain point…
…can no longer afford to be sapped dry, wrung out
and discarded… so much hurt
so much betrayal…
such lack of appreciation

I have given.
I have loved and sacrificed and cherished and
given…
…up…
…self

It’s self I’m afraid of losing
and why not?
I am only just able to touch her

She and I, still hesitant
building a certainty
a mutual admiration
respect…

And should I be called upon
to give…too much…well…

I could lose her again.

This is what I fear.

(Art my own)

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VJ

Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

33 thoughts on “That’s What I Fear”

  7. I can really relate to the feelings you express in this poem, VJ. I also have been processing the same. For my part, I realize I have been out of balance for too many years. Too much output, not enough love of self to expect the same nurturing back. Hence I get your phrase “betrayal, lack of appreciation…” I’m changing that now. But yes, with a new balance. Sending hugs. And, Happy Thanksgiving. ~ Susan

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  8. This resonates. On the one hand, we can never truly lose ourselves, as long as we are always true to ourselves.

    On the other hand, much of this is a figment, a dream, if you will, and we are just playing along. Thus, you still cannot lose yourself ❤

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