Chasms

Old friend, I would visit you
but this compulsive state of
martyrdom delays our reunion;
then you slip my mind.

You wouldn’t recognize me –
this mask I wear, a product
of the toxicity that I play host to,
puts a life on my kind-heartedness

I want to be helpful
but carry a burden of failures –
ghosts from childhood home
that plug my memory

I have hurt so many,
neglected, now lost; family –
these useless ties are shadows
lurking, directing me –

I am sensitive, wanting
to exile the negativity, have been
taught to be considerate, but
cannot erase the inconsistencies

Spend too much time
browsing, delivering a fragment
of the torment that lies within;
am over-involved with self

Really want to be my best
in search of something greater
but today the frustration
is too raw, am at a loss

Old friend, I have reverted back
to dependence, manipulating,
am mentally unstable,
cannot find closure

in all the scattered pieces –
all I have to offer are bit,
disappointing, really – stored
memories that menace

Believe me when I say
I am working hard; want to start
fresh, have a goal in mind,
have not forgotten you

but am running out of
options, frustrated, can’t catch
a break, as the distance
between us widens.

(Chasms first appeared here October, 2106. Image my own)

Most Saturdays I include an audio recording, but this week my voice is not cooperating.

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VJ

Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

17 thoughts on “Chasms”

  4. Wow! This speaks volumes & perfectly expresses how I’ve been feeling for some time now but unable to put in my own words. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have been away for several weeks and have been looking forward to reading your posts again. This one, although in many ways, sad and tragic, is so brilliantly written. In it you express what so many of us experience, including myself. Thank you for sharing this with us…..it has helped me to day.
    I had a good friend from Lebanon visit me yesterday. She is an amazing woman, but like all of us is questioning….the why’s and the wherefores….for there are many and it would seem that as the days, months and years pass by there are so many more.
    Again, thank you so much for this. Your writing is such a gift.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much Janet. Your encouragement is deeply appreciated. Only yesterday, I learned that there is actually a condition called attachment avoidance, which helps me understand why I struggle with relationships. So much buried deep.

      Liked by 2 people

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