Self Portrait in Colours

Found an old diary –
days when I prayed to the angels
painted myself white, believed
in a God that cared about personal
agendas – painted myself pathetic

Took me back to days of heartbreak,
when I pined after a man, unavailable,
painted myself pink – an altruistic heart
yearning after the unrequitable,
willing to sacrifice, change –
painted myself foolish

Read between the lines about a woman
so desperately co-dependent she’d risk it all,
painted herself yellow, projected sunshine,
believed in fairy tale endings, threw away
dignity, sanity – painted herself delusional

Wondered how she’d ever survive,
knew that life intervened in the end,
painted her broken –
and somehow she found strength,
moved on, made better choices,
learned to love herself,
painted herself indigo.

(Self Portrait in Colours first appeared here Aug/2016. Image my own)

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VJ

Permission to write, paint, and imagine are the gifts I gave myself when chronic illness hit - a fair exchange: being for doing. Relevance is an attitude. Humour essential.

32 thoughts on “Self Portrait in Colours”

  2. I love this VJ. Women seem to always be painting themselves some other color for myriad of reasons. In the end, I’m glad you chose yourself, and I hope that the women coming behind us begin by learning to do the same from the beginning 💕

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    1. Wouldn’t that be something. I note that my daughters have much more self-confidence and awareness than I did at their age, so it’s hopeful.

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  9. I love the somewhat repetition in this poem, VJ, how you described various phases of your life – and we all go through phases. So glad you ended up indigo. How strong and spiritual. And I love the image. It is perfect for this poem.

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  11. Reading old journals/letters can be unnerving, a reminder of how young, naïve and impressionable we were. It’s a shame that so many young women do not learn that they can paint themselves any bold and strong colour they want!! This is a fabulous poem!!

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  16. Beautiful poem – thanks for sharing, I especially like “somehow she found strength,
    moved on, made better choices,
    learned to love herself,
    painted herself indigo.” It makes me think of indigo differently..

    Liked by 1 person

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