Day 182 “Mystic Virtue”

I lost my temper today.  I am not proud of it, and the image of the redden-face of my cornered victim haunts me.  But there it is.

Today’s reflection cautions against being: “possessive, flaunting, and dominating.”  Ever since I came to this school, three years ago, I have tried to emulate the virtue of which Derek Lin writes; to be “productive, action-oriented, and nurturing.”

When first transferred to this school, I ignored the letter my colleagues wrote asking that I be placed in another department, for the benefit of the students, recognizing that they knew nothing of my capabilities.  Instead, I focused on productivity.

I tried to brush off the comment, by my then department head, that people over fifty are “useless”, choosing to do what I do best:  offer nurturing support to the special needs children we work with daily.

And when a colleague from outside my department criticized the way we conducted ourselves in the Resource room, I reflected and took action to better our operation.

It was when that same teacher spoke harshly to a student in my care that I lost it.  Storming, I confronted her.  What business was it of hers, questioning our students? I demanded to know.  My sense of righteousness led the tirade, and she was effectively reduced to a cower.

Way to go!  my new boss exclaimed.

Didn’t see that coming, other friends confessed, undeniably impressed.

I was a momentary hero…..for some.

Whenever there is power over love cannot exist, the words of a former teacher echo in my heart.  I demonstrated power over – there is no doubt.  The more the woman cringed, the larger I grew, and in retrospect, it was unfair.  I accused her of being unprofessional, but then, what was I?

Where was the compassion that nurtured a growing relationship?  Where was the productivity in that moment of sheer rage?

My mystic virtue continues to be a work in progress.

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