April 22, when Thor went in for his fourth surgery, life as I knew it changed drastically. The stress and anxiety escalated to a point where I could no longer function other than existing between hospital visits.
His last, and seventh, surgery was June 21st and Thor now seems to be on the mend.
Tomorrow, I return to work.
I wish I could say that I am ready and eager, but too many conflicted emotions are tripping me up. I am not the same person that I was before all this happened.
What has changed?
Thor’s cancer diagnosis and subsequent injuries forced us to come to terms with the reality of our immortality. We could no longer pretend that life would keep unfolding as it always had. We had to face the fact that we are aging and if we want retirement to happen, then we are going to have to plan for it.
A part of me is ready to retire now – to have the luxury of determining the how, when, where, and whys of my life. That part is dragging her ass at the thoughts of returning to work.
The anxiety created by last year’s misfortunes sent me back into therapy where I discovered many things about my past and present that also changed me. I began to understand the roots of my own insecurities and sense of worthlessness, and started to see things around me with new eyes.
This new me is no longer content to let others use me, nor overlook my worth. She is tired of working and working and getting nowhere, which is the trial of new teachers nowadays.
And the writer in me has blossomed during this hiatus, and is sadly lamenting the return to routine, which undoubtedly will affect her.
So how do I find the synergy to wake up tomorrow morning and greet the challenges of my profession?
There is creativity in creating lessons, and striving to find just the right approach to engage the students. I am excited to embrace a new group of students. I also love the uncertainty that comes with teaching, never knowing what each new day will bring, so this part of me is ready.
I have signed on to coach again, hoping that the thrill of competition and the bonding with students will renew me.
And I have started to read again, educational studies and theories to sharpen my enthusiasm and refresh my focus.
Today, I stand on the precipice, neither committed or not. I guess I have not fully regained my equilibrium after all that we have experienced this past year.
Maybe tomorrow will bring the added energy that I need to see this year through.
One thing I do know: synergy or not, tomorrow class is in.