In Calculus, I excelled
though I’d never say –
intellect, the monster,
rendered me target.
Lesson learned
I feigned disinterest
mimicked others’ struggle
tucked the tests results away
Principles of calculus
no longer apply –
shame of capability
still a failing grade.
Intelligence was highly valued in my family. Unfortunately my father was very sexist and always treated my mother as if she was stupid. I remember him saying to me when I was about 14 “you’re very intelligent for a girl”. He thought it was a compliment. So I think I’ve always subconsciously felt the need to prove that I’m smart. Being told by my first husband that I’d never be more than a bright mediocrity pushed me that way too – to the point of doing a PhD in physics when I’d have been better off in a different field, because I always struggled with calculus. Wish I’d found it easy like you VJ! So I think I had the opposite experience to many here – inflating my apparent intelligence to hide my sense that I’m not really smart enough to be where I am.
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Obviously you are smart enough, Kate. The underlying shame is how our need to please messed with our sense of self.
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Thank you, but I know I struggle with things many colleagues find easy. Mind you, that makes me a better teacher – I understand how it’s possible to just not get it.
The underlying shame and fear – the impostor syndrome – is really damaging. I hope things are changing enough that my daughter can just be who she is without fear or shame.
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You would be a better teacher for your experience. I hope our daughters have a different experience as well, although I see elements in my one that worries me.
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I can relate. Back in the day girls being smart wasn’t acceptable. We were supposed to be little ladies and stay quiet. It wasn’t until later on in my career that my smarts were appreciated.
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Exactly. My mom always told me men didn’t like smart women, so I toned it down.
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Sucks to be smart sometimes. I never did learn to hide it. Just learned to live with not being liked.
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Yes, that was part of the lesson. Sorry to hear you went through it too.
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We carry this with us for years, don’t we. I was the target of the mean girls in 5th grade after the teacher assigned me to GIVE the spelling tests. I was a good speller. I never bragged or advertised it, but she outed me. Miserable outcome.
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Such a shame. We should learn to be proud of our accomplishments.
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It is a shame. Maybe the next generation will learn that better than we did.
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Such a long, long time before the dawn.
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Is that a blues riff I hear playing in the background.
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More of an aquamarine. 🌌
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Ha ha ha…
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I know that shame of intellect well.
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Sorry to hear you do, Liz. I hope we grow to accept ourselves before the light dims.
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Love the nuance to your poem, fits so well with the theme. Why do we do that to ourselves? Stand tall and proud, I say!
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Thanks Heather. I know I got beaten up a lot before I learned to hide it. Nobody beating me up these days though, other than myself, lol.
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I think we all beat ourselves up sometimes! Gotta stop doing that! lol
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